Friday, December 14, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Twisted Tales"

Mark is sleeping with his daughter's boyfriend.

The daughter: What the hell?! What the hell, dad, that's my boyfriend?!!

Audience: YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK! Mark: Innat the point??

Daughter: Why would you do that?? Mark: That's the way it is. Jerry: Nah... not really... very few dads would do that to their daughter...

Shannon, the daughter.

Chris, the bf.

Chris: It was a mistake! Shannon: It was a mistake?! It was a mistake?! What, did you *accidentally* sleep with him?!

Chris keeps saying he was curious. Jerry: Let's say you were curious... what didn't you find out the first time that you had to go back the second...? Audience: JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY!

[---story change---]

Bruce is developing a taste for younger women.

He's sleeping with the friend of his girlfriend's daughter.

Bruce: There's only three people since I've grown pubic hair who have seen me cry. Audience: BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Bruce: Ohh, you cry, yeah! I don't! It's the way I was raised, whaddya expect? Richard: [sound; crybaby sound]

Tamera, the gf, is not happy.

Jessica, the new girl.

Jessica looks a bit like Soleil Moon Frye...

::laughs hysterically:: The audience got Jessica to shot them her tits... so Jerry showed them his;> They all cheered and stood up.

[After much, much indecipherable screaming from Tamera and Jessica.] Jerry: Okay... what is this story about? Oh, yeah...

Jessica threw her dress into the audience.

[---story change---]

Billy is gay, and he's here to tell his gf that.

What the hell? I leave the room to get Lenny (one of my cats) out of the trash, I walk back in, and the audience is chanting 'OSAMA BIN LADEN OSAMA BIN LADEN'... *Why?*

Now they're chanting USA USA USA...

::gigglers:: Jerry: So a year ago, you find out you're gay... what, did someone mail you something?

Dakota, the gf. She refuses to believe it.

Audience: SIT DOWN SIT DOWN! Billy: GO BACK HOME GO BACK HOME! Audience: SIT DOWN SIT DOWN! Billy: GO BACK HOME GO BACK HOME GO BACK HOME!

Shawn, Billy's bf.

Billy's trying to touch Steve, Steve isn't letting him;)

Dakota: [to Shawn] Who you s'posta be, huh? You sposta be Cletus or something??
((::laughs hysterically:: He *does* look like a Cletus.))

::laughs:: Richard started playing the song, and lots of audience people got onstage to squaredance...

[---story change---]

Julie is a lesbians. The audience loves her.

She's here to tell her gf's bf to back off.

David, the gf's bf.

::blinkblink:: David's wearing makeip.

Selina, the gf.

Well, that was boring.

[---Q&A---]

Audience women flashed the audience. Jerry went on to another audience woman and said, "Okay, top that!";)

[---Final Thought---]

"It does not matter."

"Till next time, take care of yourselves... aaand eachother."

[---Todd walking down hall with Mark---]

::laughs:: Todd: We got some cute guys working on the show--the security guys-- Mark: Jerry's alright...

Thursday, December 13, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

Jerry: Imagine this... your life has become suddenly more interesting... you realize your every waking moment has become a Jerry Springer Show! You pass a sign-post up ahead, it reads... You have now entered Bizarro World!

"Bizarro!"

This woman is sleeping with her son.

Sherry, her.

Audience: MAMA WHORE MAMA WHORE MAMA WHORE!

Jerry: Thank god you didn't have twins...

Nora, an audience woman. She seems to be protecting Jerry. Jerry: I want you to meet my new security--Nora! Shave your head and you've got a job.

SpringerCam, Sherry's giving her adult son a bath...

SpringerCam, the son: Mama? Would you touch me the way you did Daddy?
((Ewww.)

Jerry: ...for the last few months, she's been having sex with her son. Audience: EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!!! Sherry: [rolls her eyes]

Chuck, the son.

Jerry: [long pause; to Chuck] What's wrong with you?

Richard: [at Sherry; moooo sound effect]

Chuck's sister is so very unhappy.

Ohh... this is the one with the dirty guy, where Jimmy gets sick.

Whoa. Some woman is praying over Chuck and Sherry... "Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do."

Meh, I know I've seen this episode, but I can't find it in the archives.

[---story change---]

Steve went to Misty's ex-bf's house to try to get him to clean himself up.

The ex-bf hasn't taken a bath in six months.

SpringerCam, he's disgusting. I would prefer not to watch this segment. I could deal with it if he was dead, but to think he's *living* like that... gross.

SpringerCam, Steve's starting to gag.

SpringerCam, Yogi, the ex. Steve's trying to get him to play basketball, but he just sat down.

Hmm... maybe I only saw part of this episode, some day at 1pm...

Yogi's trying to get audience people to hug him. Random audience members: SOO-EE SOO-EE SOO-EE!

There's a tub onstage, Yogi's getting in it. Steve, Dave, Jimmy, and another security guy whose name I don't know are soaping him and cleaning him with those car mops on poles. Jimmy's trying not to, though, because he's getting sick.

Jerry: Yogi? Can ya stand up? Yogi: I can try. [Dave and Steve hold the tub down while Yogi stands up]

Jerry: Well, to quote Yogi, it ain't over till it's over, but this is over.

Misty is going to take Yogi back.

[---Q&A---]

Audience guy: This is for Yogi... if you couldn't find energy to bathe or brush your teeth, how'd you find energy to eat all that food? Audience: WE LOVE YOGI WE LOVE YOGI WE LOVE YOGI!

Four audience girls for Todd...

[---Final Thought---]

"If you give me twenty minutes with anybody in America, I'd find something in their lives, or the lives of their families, that would make an interesting talk show."

"What I still don't have an answer to is, why do these people go on national television to air their dirty laundry?"

"Take care of yourself, aand eachother."

Whoa... promo thingy. "Looking to intern with Jerry? http://www.ecampusrecruiter.com/"

[---Steve talking to some pigs, pretending to mistake one for Yogi---]

Sunday, December 09, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Unusual Love Affairs"

Jerry: Stephanie says she finally found a man who fits right in with her family.

She's sleeping with her nephew.

Jerry: So are you going to one day sleep with your kid? Stephanie: No. Jerry: Well, why not? Stephanie: Because that would be morally wrong.

Randy, Stephanie's bf. Not the nephew.

David, the nephew.

::boggles:: Randy's asking Stephanie to marry him. Even though she cheated on him with *her nephew.*

She rejected Randy, so David's asking her to marry *him*:p

Randy: My family ain't even involved yet, and you *will* be seeing more of me.
((Is he with the mafia or something? Well, it is Chicago. The first thing I overheard when I got to Chicago (just long enough to go from the train station to a pizza place, not even overnight, so I didn't get to go to Springer ::looks sad::) was, "John Geezer? He was beat up outside the [something I didn't catch] Theater."))

[---story change---]

William's gf of 11 years has been running around with a 17 year old boy.

I've seen this episode before, so I think I'll just listen to Jerry in the background and read Morbid Fact Du Jour and The Awful German Language and try to find out what egg tofu is.