Friday, October 19, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Wild Sex Stories"

Springer was delayed, presumably because of a base- or football game, and a voiceover just said "And now back to our regularly scheduled programming, already in progress..."

TJ sleeps with too many hookers, and his gf is not happy.

She... she's taken her clothes off and is walking on a treadmill. Onstage.

Audience: REDNECK LOSER REDNECK LOSER REDNECK LOSER!

Andrea, the gf.

Andrea says she's gonna stay on the treadmill for the whole show.

[---Q&A---]

Irish audience guy...

Audience woman: [to a mother and daughter incest whoring team] Me and every other audience in here wish you would stop swingin' your flabby ass!

Irish audience woman... the audience had Andrea kiss her;)

[---story change---]

Why there was a Q&A in the middle of the episode, I don't know.

Tammy's here to strip naked and have sex with a woman.

She wants to have sex with her brother's gf.

Whoa... the brother came out crying. He's not yelling or anything, just crying.

Barry, the brother.

Paige, the gf. She looks like Lumia from LEXX.

::laughs:: Jerry sat down on the stage to talk to an old woman in the audience, so she wouldn't have to watch Tammy and Paige.

Audience: FOURSOME WITH JERRY FOURSOME WITH JERRY FOURSOME WITH JERRY! Jerry: I'm sorry, I'm already committed. [kisses the old woman's hand]

Barry: [to Paige] You don't understand, dude... Jerry: Not a dude.

Andrea's still treadmilling...

[---story change---]

Sandra says it broke her heart when her son became her daughter.

Sandra: Hi, Jerry. Jerry: Hi.

Sandra: A couple days ago, I went down the street that everybody calls... the Ho Track... Jerry: Yeah, I know where that is. Audience: [laughs]

Niya, the son. Sandra says it's Stephen. Audience: STTEEEEEEEEEEEVE!

Jerry: I won't call him Niya.

Oooooo, he's *good.*

Sandra *burned* all of Stephen/Niya's things... how could she?

Andrea's treadmilling backstage, now.

[---Q&A---]

Audience woman: Me an' my friend want to know if I could give Steve a hug and if she could give Todd a hug, pleeease?

Andrea's still on the treadmill.

Steve doesn't want to be hugged by Niya;)

Audience guy: Hey, girl on the treadmill, don't you worry about what he says, you look good any way you wanna be.

[---Final Thought---]

"Good luck to you, Andrea..."

"Take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Steve's Corner---]

Steve is there with the old woman; I didn't catch her name:(

She says she watches Springer every day.

She had fun:)

Steve: Whaddya like about the Jerry Springer Show? Her: Well... at my age... everything looks different.

Thursday, October 18, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

Steeeeve...

"Tales of the She-Males"

Camille says she has a secret package for her fiancee after the wedding.

Camille is a man, and has no transvestite accent:(

Camille: [yelling at the audience] DON'T BOO ME! LOSER! LOSER!

Jerry: This may seem like a crazy notion, but what about building a marriage on trust?

Camille: What I have between my legs don't determine whether I'm a woman or not! Jerry: Well, it does... Audience: YES IT DOES YES IT DOES YES IT DOES!

The Rev. is marrying Camille and her fiancee...

Camille: Baby, there's something I need to tell you, now that I'm Mrs... baby, I'm a man.

[---story change---]

Matt says he's prepared to face the truth about his father.

His dad is gay.

SpringerCam, Matt's dad wants to be a woman.

SpringerCam, Matt's dad: Call me dad, or Margo, or mom, but I hope we can still play ball.

Mark, the dad.

Audience: GIVE YOUR DAD A HUG GIVE YOUR DAD A HUG!

[---story change---]

John says hairy legs don't bother him, in fact they turn him on.

John fulfilled his sexual fantasy of being with a transexual. His fiancee is likely not to be happy.

Jamie, the fiancee.

Jamie: I can't believe he's gay! I hate him right now...

Jamie is screaming at Lindsey...

Jamie: [screaming[ HE HAS A PENIS!

Jamie: I don't have a penis, can't give you what you want! Lindsey: Maybe you should try gettin' one!

Big yellow ZOW! graphic...

[---story change---]

Roy says the internet was his cupid.

Roy is cyber-cheating on his gf Kiki. He wants to leave Kiki for his cybergf.

Kiki: You gon' make me break my foot off in your [beep; ass] on national tv!

Ha, the cybergf is really a man...

Roy: You don't look like a damn man! Her: Trust me, I am a man. Kiki: [laughs hysterically; to the gf] How you doin? Nice to meet you!

[---story change---]

Mike says he has a gender bending secret for his gf.

Mike: He's [his bf] dead sexy.

Rachael, the gf.

Rachael: How could you do this?! Mike: He's awesome...

Transvestite bf comes out, looks ooold. She said, "Hey, Jerry, I love younger men!"

Audience: BEA ARTHUR BEA ARTHUR BEA AR-- [Todd must've shut them up]

Audience: GIVE STEVE ORAL SEX GIVE STEVE ORAL SEX GIVE STEVE ORAL SEX!

[---Q&A---]

Audience guy: Grandma Moses, lookin' like a grape... back to the funeral... Richard: [sets off a buzzer sound, then a moo sound]

The Rev just called this the cheesiest show and had two girls present Jerry with the Cheesehead award:p

Guy: Jerry, ya got a great show here-- Richard: [buzzes] Guy: That half of the stage needs a flushing mechanism , so after your Final Thought, you could point to Todd and he could pull the lever, and that whole side of the stage would just swirl around... Audience: NO MORE BEER NO MORE BEER NO MORE BEER!

A Brit audience chick told the grandma tranvestite to give Steve a lapdance... Steve isn't pleased.

[---Final Thought---]

"The truth is, we all have secrets..."

"...in each, there is a talk show waiting to happen..."

"Till next time, take care of yourself, aand eachother."

[---Steve playing catch with Mark---]

Mark: How'd you like that kiss on your head I gave you? Steve: I *didn't* like it. I don't like men kissing me.

Wednesday, October 17, 2001

antithesis links here. I can't figure out if the comment is sarcastic or not--maybe I'm just paranoid now... but that person likes Labyrinth, so that's good. Yay.

Guerrillanews(dot)org links here and gives a similiarly possibly-sarcastic review...

Got a link from mental--I like the comment.

A blog with a name I can't decipher links here; I'm glad this blog makes someone laugh:)

kite___________less. (5ilver) links to and quotes this blog.

other than linguistics links here and calls me odd--thanks!;)
Search strings leading here:

"female dogs"

"gay midgets"
110 hits from julesasner.com.

3 Bruces - All Your Site Are Belong To Us links here, and reminds me of mempool.com. It would *rock* if memepool linked to this blog... but back to 3 Bruces. It's an insult. My first insult related to this blog. Kickass;)

I'd like to say that this isn't meant to "convey episodes of the Jerry Springer Show", I'm just *quoting* the Jerry Springer Show.

But much thanks to the people here, though!
JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Judgement Day on Springer"

Very loud audience woman: Hey, JERRYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! [giggles]

Michelle is sleeping with her daughter's fiancee.

::blinks:: Michelle: [yells at the audience] You need a haircut!

Jerry: Why would you do this to your daughter, stab her in the back? Michelle: I didn't stab her in the back. Jerry: Well, front.

Leslie, the daughter.

Leslie attacked Michelle, a huge red "GAACK!" graphic popped up on the tv:p

Leslie: Yeah, right! I will see that when I believe it!
((::laughs hysterically::))

Audience: MOM IS A WHORE MOM IS A WHORE MOM IS A WHORE! Jerry: [to the audience] How many times in your life have you said that?

Leslie: His ass is mine! Jerry: What would you do with another one?

Michelle: [to Leslie's fiancee] You low-life dog!

Leslie: [screaming] YOU SLEPT WITH MY MOM, OF ALL PEOPLE!!!!

Jerry: Why am I involved in this? It's not my family...

[---story change---]

Regina loves making money by lying on her back.

Jerry: You test mattresses?

Regina looks like Desire from Sandman, only not as pretty.

Audience: WHORE WHORE WHORE! Regina: Oh well! Oh well! Oh well! Oh well!

Regina's sister's fiancee is one of Regina's best clients.

Regina: He pays me $600 every other day. Audience guy: I wouldn't give you six cents!!

Jennifer, the sister.

Regina: ...when he came to my room and gave me money for nook nook! Jerry: [mock outrage] You gave him nook nook?!

Jerry: Never thought I'd see the day... people buying nook nook...

Jerry: If he pays us 600 bucks, we'll let him out. [grinning at a nodding Richard] But first we'll take a break.

Stephen, the fiancee.

Stephen: Last three months, you ain't been givin' me sex at all! I'm a man! I need sex!

Audience: SHOW JERRY AGAIN SHOW JERRY AGAIN SHOW JERRY AGAIN! Regina: [shows Jerry her breasts] Jerry: *Damn!* I left my wallet at home...

[---story change---]

David is happy as a pig in slop. And he looks like Meatloaf.

Angel, his gf.

Angel looks like Angelina Jolie without the lips.

Angel: ...but I've been having this fantasy about having sex with someone else, but it has to be *right here, right now, on this stage.* Jerry: I'm sorry, I have to draw the line, I cannot do that. Audience: HAVE SEX WITH JERRY HAVE SEX WITH JERRY HAVE SEX WITH JERRY! Jerry: As much as I'd love to, we'll have to find somebody else. Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE!

Ah. It's a woman.

Angel and the girl took their clothes off and laid down on the stage:p

Jerry: Whaddya wanna say? This is your girlfriend... David: [looks at Jerry] Thank you.

Jerry: Well, whaddya wanna do? David: Hopefully join in.

Jerry: This is such a classy show...

[---Q&A---]

Whoa... an audience guy said "hoor" instead of "whore"... "This is to the hoor there, did you say six hundred or six dollars?"

Audience guy: My name is Leroy Johnson, and I wanna say that you, Jerry, and your show, are a great humanitarian. Because every time I feel low, I can turn on your show and see losers like this! Audience: LEROY LEROY LEROY LEROY!

[---Final Thought---]

"Most of the time our show is primarily for entertainment..."

"Take care of yourself, aand eachother."

[---Steve walking down hall with Michelle---]

He's lecturing her.

Arreola... name on the credits...

Tuesday, October 16, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Wet, Wild and Naked"

There's a woman with Jerry painted on her chest. She's picked a woman out of the audience and is taking her backstage...

[---story change---]

Jerry: I gotta tell ya, it wouldn't be the first time we've had a stripper on Springer. Audience: [doesn't laugh] Jerry: [starts laughing, as he can't believe they didn't laugh]

Roxy is a stripper for old people.

JC is one of Roxy's clients.

Uh-oh... JC has a gf.

The gf: You slutty-ass bitch! Get your ass off my boyfriend!

[---story change---]

Martene gives erotic massages.

Martene: Some of them like the dominic thing where I pull their hair...
((*Dominic* thing?))

Martene just pulled someone from the audience... she's got her table set up onstage.

Jerry: [to the girl who's with the audience guy] Are you here with him? Her: Yes I am. Jerry: Is he your boyfriend? Her: Yes he is. Jerry: Is he going to continue to be your boyfriend? [more things] Her: Oh no, he is not comin' home with me. Jerry: Weeelll, if he's not goin' home with you... [sits down next to her]

Ahh! Martene gave the guy a massage... Jerry: Is there something you'd like to tell him? Martene: Yeah... I'm a man. Guy: [looks totally shocked, jumps off the table, grabs his clothes, and runs back into the audience]

[---story change---]

Jerry: Y'know, we've had a lot of naked women on the show today, and now it's time for somethin' for the ladies!

Tiger (male): I'm a stripper... and my fiance is backstage, and he knows nothing about it...

Tiger's bf looks like Chris Kattan... only... uglier.

[---Q&A---]

The body painting woman is back, with the audience woman who now has Steve painted on her chest.

Heheh, Martene's guy is now not sitting with his... ex-gf... snh snh snh.

I think I've seen the audience woman who is currently yelling at Roxy before...

"Tap into your insanity..." The VO promo guy, promoing tickets.

[---Final Thought---]

"There *is* a talk show in each of us."

"Take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Steve's Corner---]

With Audience Woman Angie's chest-Steve hosting.