Thursday, September 06, 2001

More guest blogging from my mom!

And happy late-birthday, kottori, and thanks!:)

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What a surprise.

I didn't see the whole show, because I was falling asleep.
This is last night's show, so Sept. 5.

Transsexual Tales

Jerry started out with a little speech about couples who have kept it a
secret from their partners about their gender-bending tendencies. Something
like that.

Then he said, "I gotta tell you, when you bend your gender, that can hurt."

Brett is here to tell his girlfriend of a year that he's a woman.

Here's Shannon. Shannon doesn't take the news well. ("I'm gonna fuckin'
kill you!") Charges at him (her).

Jerry kept asking how she didn't notice he was a woman. After all, they
were together a year. She said, "He wouldn't let me touch him."

He said he handcuffed her to the headboard so she couldn't touch him.

Story change

Vanessa says there's more to her than just another pretty face. She has two
secrets to tell her boyfriend.

"One is, I'm a prostitute. The other is, I'm a man."

The audience seems abnormally shocked.

Okay, why don't we meet him. James, welcome to the show. (James is a huge
guy).

James is shocked at the news she's a prostitute.

Jerry: Don't sweat the prostitute stuff.

James: Why didn't you tell me?

Vanessa: Well, you didn't ask me at first and later it didn't seem
important.

Jerry: Oh, yeah, those are the first 2 questions you ask when you meet a
girl--are you a prostitute, and, by the way, are you a man?

JERRY, JERRY, JERRY...

The audience loved that.

That's all I have. I was sleepy.

This being a guest host on a blog is fun!
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Wednesday, September 05, 2001

Yay, my mom took some Springer notes for me:) Thanks!

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Okay--here's the notes.

This was last night's show.

Audience: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry..

Steve comes out---STEEEEEEEEVE.....

Dumped on Springer.

Michelle says her bf has dumped her for the last time. They met on her
daddy's farm but for the last 3 months he's been dating the town whore.

They took the Springer Cam to her (the whore's) house. Michelle is driving
a dump truck full of cow manure, and dumps it on the front porch. The slut
says, " I can't believe I have to clean up this shit."

Gf comes out. All made up with skin tight clothes. Shows tits.

BF comes out. Audience gives him the loser sign.

Bf says if he told the slut to get naked and have sex right here on the
stage, she
would. That's what he likes about her. He's only interested in sex.

Audience: Let's see, Let's see.

Story change

Rosa caught bf talking to another woman on the phone, and banged him on the
head with the phone. New gf comes out. Audience: Dirty whore, dirty whore.

Jerry asked both women when was the last time they slept with him. both
said last night. Steve and other security guy (Jimmy?) had a struggle
keeping them apart.

Denise (the whore) says she's pregnant. Audience: Pregnant whore, pregnant
whore.

Rosa and the guy have 5 kids.

Rosa says if Denise keeps the baby, she's through with him. She keeps
saying it, and Jerry says something about you can't put that kind of
condition on it. That's her decision. She's pregnant, and the baby is
going to be born. Trying to talk reasonably.

Rosa: I'm telling you, if she keeps this baby, we're through.

Jerry: Well, I guess I made a lot of sense.

Story change

Dena says she's bisexual. Brian doesn't give her what she wants. She's
leaving him for her best friend.
She mooned him, and the audience chanted: All the way off, all the way off.

The audience does not like these lesbians.

Audience guy: (to Brian) Looks like the grinch done stole your Christmas,
man.

Audience guy (to farm boy): Is that the only pig you're porkin'?


That was about it. All I could write down, anyway.

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Sunday, September 02, 2001

Aaand, here's a surprise notes posting, because I just happened to watch Jerry tonight.

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JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Mom's Marrying My Man"

Jerry: [about an audience guy] How 'bout a big hand for Eminem?

Angela's ex-bf is marrying her mother.

Jeremiah, the bf.

SpringerCam, there's a mannequin being put together in the background. It struck us funny.

She... the mother... asked Angela to be her matron of honour. Marrying her ex, and wants her to be her matron of honour.

SpringerCam, Angela: I'm not askin' you to raise me again, I'm askin' you not to marry this man!
((Are those two even *close?*))

::laughs at the weathergirl who introduces shows:: "[points at the tv] And now it's back to My Mom's Marryin' My Man!"

Here's Jeremiah, he's got a cane.

Angela: You're 26, she's *50!* Audience: [booooooos] Jerry: What's wrong with 50?!
((Awwwww! ::opens her arms:: Nothing, Jerry!))

Regina, the mother.

Regina: You don't know all that's goin' on! ((Me: So tell us! Jann: [at the same time as me] Tell us!

[---story change---]

Suzanne's bf won't accept her job, so she found someone who would.

She's an exotic dancer.

She's cheating on her bf with a woman.

Her bf says she's going to stop being a stripper. She says she isn't.

Suzanne: I'm leaving you for another woman! ((Jann: *Another* woman?))

Steve: [to Suzanne] 'Ey, 'ey, nobody's gonna punch anybody.

Steve keeps laughing.

Audience: THREESOME THREESOME THREESOME THREESOME! Jerry: I can't possibly, I've got this show to do. Audience: FOURSOME WITH JERRY FOURSOME JERRY FOURSOME WITH JERRY!

[---story change---]

Tanya's bf has a wife.

Sarah, the wife.

Jerry: Do you know her? Sarah: She's my husband's best friend. Jerry: Do you know why you're here? Sarah: No, but we're on Jerry. Audience: JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY! Jerry: And you're thinkin' that might not be good?

Tanya's pregnant.

Steve needs to shave his head. There's a shadow.

The husband: Whatchoo gonna do? Whatchoo gonna do? Sarah: I'll kick your ass, is what you're gonna do!

Sarah: I'll tell you what a dog you are. Husband: I *am* a dog! Audience: [barks]

[---Q&A---]

Audience woman: [squeaks] Ahh, Jerry, I gotta give you a hug!!! [hugs Jerry]
((That would probably be exactly how I would say that.))

Audience woman: [to Angela's mother] First of all, you are too old to be this stupid about a man!

Audience woman: [takes the mic] Jerry. Jerry? Jerry? [Jerry finally looks at her] Jerry, you took too long to get over here.

Same audience woman: [to the husband from the last segment] Why is your hair runnin' away from your forehead?

[---Final Thought---]

"Nothing is better than touching someone's heart. Just don't play with it."

"Till next time, take care of yourself, and eachother."

[---Steve walking down hall with Sarah and the husband---]

Sarah: This is ridiculous! I'm on the Springer show!

Sarah: I'm goin' home with Steve!