Saturday, August 25, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Shocking Springer Stories"

This woman has been married for 30 years, and is now cheating.

Audience guy: OLD SCHOOL WHORE! The audience didn't pick up the chant.

Jerry: With these--with--[laughs] Jerry's a whore, right. Audience: JERRY'S A WHORE JERRY'S A WHORE JERRY'S A WHORE! Jerry: Duuuuh. Aaaand? [laughs] Oh, that's a revelation.

She's been cheating for six years.

Frank, the husband.

Frank: I was told I was an invited guest. Jerry: Well... you gotta good seat. [laughing] An invited guest...

Frank: [to his wife] You. Just. Suck!

"Do you have an unusual lifestyle that shocks your friends and family? Is so, call 1-800-96-JERRY."

Peter, the bf.

Nicola, her.

Nicola: He [Peter] gives it [sex] freely! Audience: DO IT NOW DO IT NOW DO IT NOW! Jerry: Beee careful what you wish for...

Nicola: I want my independance with someone who supports and loves me! Jerry: Yoouu don't see this drama on other shows.

Nicola: I love this man! And ya know what, if you don't like it, you can kiss my big ass! Audience: [boos, cheers, makes odd noises] Jerry: Okay, we're gonna hafta form a line for this...

Frank: You told me you been doin' this for six years and now you *really* suck! Audience: YOU REALLY SUCK YOU REALLY SUCK YOU REALLY SUCK! Jerry: Well, maybe if you did, the marriage would still be goin'...

Jerry: This is over, you're gon' leave him and marry him? Nicola: Yes. Frank: I don' know how you're gonna do that! The church doesn't recognize divorce!

[---story change---]

Micky's gf is cheating.

Micky: ...the professional digital camera that you got. Richard: [laughs]

SpringerCam, Weird parody of a poorly dubbed Chinese film... "Micky and Pao in Spring-roll Surprise!"

Ling, the gf.

Ling: He treated me terrible-ey.

[Micky, Ling, and Pao scream at eachother in Chinese for a while. Jerry gets bored of it and says, "That's easy for you to say."]

The closed captioning says "[SPEAKING CHINESE]"

[---story change---]

Jerry: Virginia says she's the queen of trailer-trashing. [Audience cheeeers.] Jerry: What better show than ours to be on?

Her bf is cheating.

Virginia: I am gon' take this bulldozer and bust down that damn trailer roof.

Her bf ran out of the trailer, carrying a fish bowl...

Heheh, I love the episodes where they tear things up.

The closed captioning said, "Now where you gon' store that cow at?" But she said screw. Not store.

Virginia: Take your nasty whore, gimme my goldfish, the wedding's off.

"Virginia's upsell the", says the CC. Jerry really said, "Virginia's upset, here."

Stephanie, the bf's gf.

"Bhoip", says CC. I have no idea.

Audience: TRAILER WHORE TRAILER WHORE TRAILER WHORE!

Dustin, the bf.

Jerry: What's goin' on? Dustin: Jerry, I made a mistake. I know I made a mistake. Stephanie: What you mean you made a mistake?!

Virginia: In your wet dreams you wisht I'd take your sorry ass back!

Dustin I don't love any woman! Audience: ARE YOU GAY ARE YOU GAY ARE YOU GAY? Dustin: I'm all man, Jerry!

[---Q&A---]

A British audience guy: To Nicola, I can't believe your husband's that controlling, if he were, he wouldn't let you leave the house with your hair lookin' like that.

"Cucumber ho"...

Audience woman: Frank, my brother says he'll whip that boy's ass for you! Audience: DO IT FOR FRANK DO IT FOR FRANK!

[---Final Thought---]

"Till next time, take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Dave walking down hall with Pao---]

Dave's asking questions in English and Pao is answering in Chinese... they beeped some Chinese thing and Dave said, "You can't say that on tv."

Friday, August 24, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

Steeeeeve!

Someone in the audience with Andy Warhol hair.

"Ladies and gentleman, please welcome the eighth wonder of the world, Jerry W. Springer!"

"Pregnant Sex Scandals"

Jerry: Part of the wonder of being pregnant--how would I know that?

Jerry: ...pregnant sex scandals! Audience: [cheers and cheers] Jerry: I knew that would make you happy!
((Jann: [laughs]))

SpringerCam, lady: All right, Jerry, listen up!

SpringerCam, same lady: And Steve, you better be up on that stage!

Her husband is sleeping with her cousin.

SpringerCam, the cousin: You mean I'm naked on Jerry Springer Show??
((Jann: Well, no. You're wearing a blanket on the Jerry Springer Show.))

SpringerCam, the husband: What's wrong with you?? Her: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH MY COUSIN!!

Mary, the wife.

Mary: He says they were talkin' about Christmas presents. Audience guy: TIS THE SEASON!

Audience: SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT!! Jerry: Thank you very much.

Bill, the husband: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! Audience: [jeers and boos and screams] Bill: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT!
((Jann: That's... not gonna help.))


Elizabeth, the cousin.

Elizabeth is married.

...to Bill's twin brother.

The brother: Steve, you better come with us on the plane, cuz I'm gonna kick his ass on the way!!!

Mary: I don't think I pushed him through the [beep; fucking] kitchen door and said, "Bill! Go sleep with Elizabeth now!"

Jerry: Mary is married to Bill, who is cheating on her with Elizabeth, who is Mary's cousin. And Elizabeth is married to Bob, who is Bill's twin brother! This sounds like the Jerry Springer Show!

Jerry: Are you, are you... are you all living together? Bob: We was. Jerry: Well, there's your problem.

Bill: I'm in a relationship with your mouth! Jerry: You may be in a relationship with her mouth, but that's not how she got pregnant...

Jerry's in all black. Nice.

[---story change---]

Katie is cheating on her bf with another woman.

Jerry: How was the plane ride? The bf: Fine, sir. Scary. Jerry: Scary? Heh. [laughs a bit]

Katie's gf's bf is happy.

[---Q&A---]

I hate the people who say "You don't know anything about my situation!!" You, uh, you just came on tv and told us all about your situation. So we feel we have the right to comment on it.

[---Final Thought---]

"Take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Steve walking down hall with Katie's gf's bf---]

Steve: ...you're the first guy who was happy about it!

Thursday, August 23, 2001

Oookay, it wasn't showing the links for the archives, but I fixed that. There. And, wow. ::points down at the counter:: 55 hits since 5am, two of which are me.
Okay, I'm skimming an article on Entertainment Weekly, right? Having surfed over to check out its mention of Neil Gaiman. And I find this:

"Free Web tools such as Blogger allow easy publishing of 24/7 Net diaries, including at least one daily log of reactions to Jerry Springer."

And it links to this blog. *Wow.* I am in shock.

Wednesday, August 22, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY....

"Invasion of the Little People II", which is weird because I had a dream lastnight that this girl I knew six years ago was a dwarf.

Jerry: Why're you cheating on her? Jason: [calmly] Sex.

Lynette, Jason's gf.

Audience: GO GET MARRIED GO GET MARRIED (or perhaps DON'T GET MARRIED, Jann and I can't decide) Jerry: Aww, c'mon, we bought the cake!

The person Jason was cheating on Lynette with poured punch over the rev. "You can't get married! Look at your reverand now!"
((Me: What? He can still do it... punch does not disable him... Jann: It does not make him melt.))

[---story change---]

Audience: LITTLE WHORE LITTLE WHORE LITTLE WHORE!

The little whore's bf, to her pimp: How 'bout I lose my foot up your ass?

She has a valley girl accent, it's awful.

[---story change---]

Jerry: So you don't know why you're here? Guy: Well it can't be good, it's the Springer show...

Uh! The little person in this story threw food at another guy, and hit Jerry with it.

Guy: That's not a man! That's a Keebler Elf! ((Me: I wonder why they felt the need to prefix that with 'Keebler'.)) Audience: KEEBLER ELF KEEBLER ELF KEEBLER ELF! ((Jann: [laughing] So the audience could chant it.))

[---story change---]

The... the Something. This guy's name.

[---Q&A---]

Audience lady: I just gotta say to all these dwarves, HI-HO HI-HO HI-HO YOU A HO WHEREVER YOU GO! Audience: HI HO HI HO HI HO HI HO!

Audience guy: I think I speak for all of America when I say, how does a half pint like you end up with a gallon and a half like that? Audience: BE ORIGINAL BE ORIGINAL BE ORIGINAL!

[---Final Thought---]

"...cheated upon." Upon?

"Take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Dave walking down hall with Jimmy the dwarf pimp---]

Sunday, August 19, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Tales of Prostitution"

I love Jerry's hair.

This guy's mother is a prostitute... I haven't been paying attention because I'm trying to finish up tonight's entry in my trip blog.

"Did your spouse or lover leave you for a relative?" Hehehehe.

Wait, I think she's the guy's *grandmother*...

She's got bright blue nails, and Steve doesn't want her to touch him.

Her: I've always been interested in prositution...
((::laughs:: That sounds so... I dunno, clinical or scholarly.))

Jerry: Okay, there *are* options between *bingo* and *prostitution.*

[---story change---]

Whoa, this guy's wearing a newsboy cap...

The guy: Women are stupid! I tell ya, you put all these women here in a bag, and ... they couldn't do a crossword puzzle!
((Me: What?! Jann: [laughs] That's like "gay as a brick"... but makes less sense...))
Jerry: Well, I tell you, right now, you look like *you're* in a bag.

[---story change---]

Some guy is sleeping with someone he shouldn't be. I was laughing at a typo and missed the details;)

He looks like Bernard from Northern Exposure...

[---Q&A---]

Audience lady: This is to the man next to the... man-woman...

Whoa, another audience lady is wearing a newsboy cap, we can't figure out if it's the same one as the guy from earlier or not...

The gramma whore from earlier is after Steve...

Whoa. *Whoa.* An audience guy with phallic *hair.* Jerry: I don't know what to say... you know what I *want* to say...

[---Final Thought---]

"When you talk to most prostitutes, you find they have real trouble maintaining normal relationships..."

"Prostitution rarely looks good on a resume."

"Take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Steve waking down hall behind two guests---]