Saturday, August 04, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Confessions of Betrayal"

Jerry: Our guests today say they're very naughty...

Monica threw her brother out of her house.

Monica's brother has been sleeping with her gf.

The brother is living in a car in a junkyard.

The brother: [to the audience] Shut up!! Audience: YOU SHUT UP YOU SHUT UP YOU SHUT UP!

Jerry: Why're you living in a car? Why not get an apartment? Or a trailer? Audience: WE LOVE TRAILERS WE LOVE TRAILERS WE LOVE TRAILERS!

Guest security guy, Jeff. He pitches for the Detroit Tigers, I think Jerry said. Jerry tried to make him sit down. Audience: WE WANT JEFF WE WANT JEFF!

Audience: GIVE JEFF A KISS!

[---story change---]

Lisa let a bitch move into her house.

The bitch is sleeping with Lisa's husband.

Jerry: People get very depressed, lookin' at me.

Terri, the bitch. Robby, the husband/bf.

Lisa cursed, Jerry looked at her and said, 'Language.'

[---story change---]

Tony is tired of trying to balance two lovers at the same time.

He's leaving his gf for a man.

He wants to keep them both:p

Tony: Nobody knows how to please a man except a man. Jerry: Ohhh... I don't think that's right... I think I'm right... maybe I'm being fooled...

Jerry: Wait a second. [leans down to talk to Jeff] Do you think he's a pitcher or a catcher? Jeff: Definitely a catcher. Audience: JEFF JEFF JEFF JEFF JEFF! Tony: I'm on top!

The gf: What can't I do for you? I don't have [beep; dick]? Tony: No, as a matter of fact, you don't.

Audience: [to Tony's bf] GIVE JEFF A KISS GIVE JEFF A KISS GIVE JEFF A KISS!! Jeff: [freaks out and gets the guy to go the other end of the stage] Audience: THREESOME WITH JEFF THREESOME WITH JEFF THREESOME WITH JEFF! Jeff: [puts his fingers in his ears]

[---story change---]

Nikki's bf is cheating.

Sean, the bf.

Nikki: [calmly] Are you sleepin' around? Sean: [even more calm] Yeah, I am.

Uh-oh, the new gf is angry.

Nikki: You're a dog, man. Audience: [barks insanely]

---Ah! Meet Jerry says that he was five when he moved to the US... that explains the lack of an accent.---

[---Q&A---]

Audience chick gave Jeff a hug. Audience: JEFF'S A LESBIAN JEFF'S A LESBIAN JEFF'S A LESBIAN!
((*What?*))

Audience: [to Monica's brother] GO BUY A TRAILER GO BUY A TRAILER GO BUY A TRAILER!

An audience guy is saying "y'all two"... that sounds funny. Him: Y'all don't make love, two fat people make slop...

Another audience chick gave Jeff a guy. Audience: GIVE JEFF A LAPDANCE GIVE JEFF A LAPDANCE! Tony's bf: I'll do it! I'll do it! [goes round and attempts to give Jeff a lapdance, but Jeff stands up and shoves him away]

[---Final Thought---]

Jerry: Jeff, if you ever need a second job after pitching, we'd love to have you do security.

"Till next time take care of yourself, and eachother."

[---Steve's Corner---]

With Jeff.

Jeff says breaking up fights on the Jerry Springer Show is harder than pitching for the Tigers.

Steve: That blue guy who was involved in a homosexual affair seemed pretty interested in you, is there any chance you two might hook up? Jeff: Zero chance whatsoever.

Friday, August 03, 2001

Unrelated note: In Eris We Trust.

---------


JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Scornful Breakups"

Raven's ex-bf won't go away.

There's a guy in the audience wearing a shirt that says "Bubba".

Jerry: You tell Angus to go away, but Angus don't hear, do he?

SpringerCam, Angus: I'mon' get my woman back if I have to go all the way to the Jerry Springer Show.

Raven's current bf is screaming at Angus. Audience: WE LOVE ANGUS WE LOVE ANGUS WE LOVE ANGUS!

Angus took off all but his socks and boxers and spread himself out on the stage floor. Jerry: Who wants white meat?

[---story change---]

Angus is still lying on the floor.

Jamie is sleeping with her sister's husband.

Jamie and her sister are fighting, security guys trying to keep it in order, audience: DON'T HURT ANGUS DON'T HURT ANGUS DON'T HURT ANGUS!

Dave: Have a seat, there, talk to Jerry!

Jerry: You cannot say 'mmmm' on our show.

[---story change---]

Angus is still there.

Regina is sleeping with her husband's brother.

[---Q&A---]

Audience guy: [to a fat whore] You should get a muu-muu! Audience: MUU-MUU MUU-MUU MUU-MUU!

Jerry: [to Angus] I'm gonna be goin' home later, but you can stay here, if you'll just turn off the lights, that'll be cool...

[---Final Thought---]

Jerry: Angus... I hope things work out for you...

"Till next time, take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Dave lying on stage floor w/ Angus---]

Nighttime noises, cricket noises...

Dave: You sure I can't talk you into leavin'? Angus: Nope. Dave: Okay... I'll get comfortable, then... seeya in the mornin', Angus. You don't snore, do you? Angus: Yuh. Dave: You do??

Thursday, August 02, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

My dad: [chanting to the audience's JERRY] GOOD-NIGHT GOOD-NIGHT GOOD-NIGHT

"Rampaging Springer Guests"

Linda's bf is named Tuffy...

Linda: Tuffy's not too smart...

Linda borrowed a monster truck and crashed it over/through her trailer... that was so amazingly cool;)

Jerry: If that's all yours... why did you knock it down widda big truck?

Linda: A southern women will treat you like gold, but don't cross her.

Here comes Christy.

Audience & Linda: BAR WHORE BAR WHORE BAR WHORE BAR WHORE!

Jerry: [to Christy] Wait a minute, you can't say 'ahhhh pbbbt' on our show.

Linda: I tell you one thing, dynamite comes in small packages!!!

She's spelled Kristy...

Audience: TUFFY TUFFY TUFFY TUFFY

Tuffy catches rattlesnakes.

Tuffy: Can I say something? Jerry: Go ahead, Tuffy, it's your show.

[---story change---]

Ack, did Jerry just say 'runed' instead of 'ruined'? Eee.

Rachael's wedding was ruined by another woman.

Audience: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

[---Q&A---]

There's a girl sitting where Richard should be...

::gigglers:: An audience lady gave a very long, heated lecture to the bar whores. Jerry stood there looking like he was listening intently, being scared, grinning, making faces. Being funny for the rest of the audience. It was cute;)

[---Final Thought---]

"Till next time, take care o' yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Dave walking down hall with Tuffy---]

Talking about rattlesnakes.

Tuesday, July 31, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"The Naked Truth On Springer"

Tammy thinks she is a big, beautiful woman.

Tammy: I like to be naked. Jerry: *Why?* Tammy: I think it brings me out-- Jerry: I bet. And it sends everyone else *in*...

Jerry: I'm not saying you're not attractive, I'm just saying... people usually wear clothes.

Tammy is cheating on her husband with a woman.

Tammy took off her clothes and followed Jerry around. One of the security guys held Jerry in one place. Jerry: [to the security guy] Don't you dare, don't you dare, don't you dare...

Whoa, there's someone in the audience who looks like Rosanne Bar, only smaller.

[---story change---]

Mercedes is a stripper. Audience: [guys only] WE LOVE STRIPPERS WE LOVE STRIPPERS WE LOVE STRIPPERS! Audience: [some of the women] WHOOOORE!

She's cheating on her bf with another stripper.

Audience: WE LOVE LESBIANS WE LOVE LESBIANS WE LOVE LESBIANS!

Audience: FOURSOME WITH JERRY FOURSOME WITH JERRY! Jerry: It's not good for my pacemaker.

[---story change--]

Adam: JERRY? Jerry: YEAH? Adam: I'M GAY!

Adam is here to tell Crystal that he's sleeping with her bf.

Crystal: He is not gay! He's the manliest man there is! Adam: Ooo, he is. I tell you what, he is. Jerry: If he is, in fact, sleeping with this man, it could be a clue that he's gay...

Jerry: Why would you suddenly start sleeping with a guy because she's not nice to you?

Adam tried to get Carlos to do it right there onstage, to prove it to Crystal. Carlos: Adam, no, no, this is not the place, *Adam!*, no, I love you, but not now!

Crystal looks like Gloria-from-All in the Family.

[---story change---]

Rachel is here to tell off her bf's gf.

Alaina and Rachel are trying to attack eachother, and fighting the security guys...

[---Q&A---]

The audience made a big fat whore moon Steve;)

Someone in the audience is wearing a Jenny Jones shirt!! Arg!

[---Final Thought---]

The strippers are dancing to the theme.

::huggles Jerry for recognizing bisexuals even when the guests don't::

"Bisexuality is no free pass from fidelity."

"Till next time, take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

The strippers are hugging Jerry... he looks happy.

[---Steve saying happy birthday to Todd---]

Steve's keeping the strippers and giving Todd the two fat lesbians...

Sunday, July 29, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Revenge Springer Style"

Jerry: This video is disturbing...

Ugh, this woman says "peer" instead of "pure".

Debbie, the woman.

She was screaming at her daughter to clean the house, on SpringerCam.

Here comes Mary, the daughter.

Debbie keeps pushing Steve... grrr.

Debbie has slept with Mary's husband, and Mary has slept with Debbie's bf. Jerry: [to Debbie] What're you doing sleeping with her daughter? Debbie: [angry] Sleeping with her daughter? Jerry: Ahh, err, umm, ahh, sleeping with her husband...

Jerry: How do you feel that she [Mary] just used you? Debbie's bf: No problem. It's fine. Jerry: Oh... [kinda laughs] Why did I think that would be a problem?

[---story change---]

JJ says his gf kicked him out and three days later moved a new guy in.

Nazhwa... the gf... ah, Najwa. She looks like Ruby from the Chronicle.

This guy isn't allowed to be named JJ.

Awww... JJ's voice is wavering. Poor guy.

Chris, the new guy, is JJ's friend. This is so weird, I've written a m/m Tenctonese/human slash Alien Nation fanfic, and the two guys are named Chris and JJ:p

Todd: STEVE STEVE-- Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE!!!

JJ: It's his child! I asked her that over and over on the phone! Chris: You would've hit her, that's all your ever do! JJ: How'm'I gonna hit her over the phone?

Whoa, they've now got JJ and Chris at totally opposite sides of the stage, with Najwa in the centre, and two security guys are onstage.

Audience: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

[---Q&A---]

I bet this audience chick is a medical clerk or legal clerk or police dispatcher or something. "Ma'am? Ma'am?"

Oh my god, Debbie yelled at Steve. She was going after an audience person and Steve put his hand on her arm and she turned to him and glaaared and looked like she was telling him not ever to touch her again...

[---Final Thought---]

"Till next time, take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Steve walking down hall with JJ---]

JJ is crying, Steve's saying time'll make it stop hurting.