Saturday, July 07, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Honey, How Could You?"

Audience: WE WANT THE TRUTH WE WANT THE TRUTH WE WANT THE TRUTH Jerry: I'm sorry, you're on the wrong show. Truth? What, on our show?

Jennifer: I can tell by being here that something is seriously goin' on...

Jennifer's bf is cheating on her with a man called Raphael.

---I would like to take a break from this note-taking to say that I officially designate Hostess Minimuffins, preferably blueberry flavour, as proper Springer-watching food---

The bf: Say hi to Jerry. Raphael: [turns to the SpringerCam and waves] Hi, Jerry.

Everett, the bf.

Jennifer: He loves having sex with woman! How can he be gay?! Jerry: [long pause; looks up] Uhh... [audience makes noises]

Jerry: Everett, welcome to the show, nice shirt. [The shirt is a very strange leopard print with a leopard face in the middle. It is not nice.]

Audience: YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK! Jerry: Hoaa! He's not denying it! Audience: [bursts into laughter] JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY!

Everett: What would you do, in my position, Jerry? Jerry: I'm befuddled. We'll be back. [retreats]

Everett: I'm suprised she didn't pick up a chair and throw it at me! Jerry: She would've, but there's no fighting on our show. [Audience laughs.] Jerry: [grins at the audience] Remember? It's a show about truth...

Everett: I always knew that there was something different about me, but I never could put my finger on it-- Jennifer: You couldn't put your finger on it?? Jerry: Well... I think you did...

Steve's breaking up a fight between Raphael and Jennifer, Everett said something about, "This beautiful bald man next to me."

Jerry: [getting serious] First question, did you just brush up against Steve? Raphael: [nods] Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE!!! Raphael: [points and leers at Steve] I saw the back of those jeans, Steve.

That, umm, was referencing Everett saying he fell in love with Raphael when Raphael brushed up against him.

Everett's proposing to Raphael. Jennifer lunged at them, Steve stopped her. Raphael: Keep that psycho back!

Everett: Steve, you're the witness! Audience: STEEEVE, STEVE!

Everett: When his arms are wrapped around me, I love him. Being carressed by him is almost as good as being wrapped around a bald man. [something I didn't catch because I burst out laughing], Steve? Jerry: [obviously wanting him to say it again, to embarrass Steve] As good as being wrapped around a what?

Jerry's letting random audience people ask questions. I like impromptu Q&As.

Steve's playing with Everett's tossed-aside leopard shirt, waving it in front of the camera:)

[---story change---]

Renee is here to tell her bf's long-time gf to back off.

The gf thinks Renee and the bf are cousins:>

She doesn't care that the bf is still sleeping with his other gf.

Takai, the other gf.

Jerry: You know eachother, right? Takai: Yeah, thass my boyfriend's cousin. Audience: [snickers]

Takai called Renee a crab. Jerry: Well, we've met surf, let's meet turf...

The bf: Get this out of my face, Steve!

Jerry's leaning against Renee's chair and the bf's chair, thass unusual.

The bf started flailing around and Jerry did his nervous card-clutching thing and looked all worried;)

[---Q&A---]

Everett: Jerry? Jerry: [turns back to the stage] Yes? Everett: I got a question, can I rub Steve's head? Steve: [leaps up and runs, gets caught by Everett, who rubs his head and kisses his neck; Steve tries to get someone else to sit next to Everett, but no one will, so he sits and leans far to the other side]]

Audience guy: I noticed Steve wasn't runnin' very fast, I wanna know if he's hiding a bra under there? Everett: [attempts to find out] Steve: [pulls away] Jerry: These stories have a way of just building...

Two audience chicks coming to rub Steve's head, Steve's happy again;)

Soon as the segment was over, Steve got up and stood behind the chairs instead of sitting next to Everett;)

[---Final Thought---]

"If we treat relationships like we're the only ones in it, eventually, we will be..."

[---Steve walking down hall with Everett and Raphael---]

::snickers:: He's giving them Todd's number:>

Friday, July 06, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Thanksgiving Day Disaster"

Jerry: [interupting his opening to shake a random person's hand] Ohh, absolutely, how could I forget to shake your hand??

This woman's aunt stole her wife.

Jerry: Why do you think your aunt would do something like this? The woman: Because she's a slut. [hand to mouth] Sorry. Audience: OOOOOO!!!!! SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT!

The woman burst into her aunt's house, for Thanksgiving. Explained the camera. A guy: [holds wine glass up] Happy Thanksgiving, Jerry.

Her: Would you please pass the yams? A woman: [picks up the yams] The aunt: [glares amazingly] Terry, don't you dare.

Her: I'll see you all on the Springer Show. The aunt: And I'm gonna [beeeeeep; kick your ass] on the Springer Show!

Audience: AUNT WHORE AUNT WHORE AUNT WHORE [fades; Todd must have told them to stop and they didn't all catch it at once]

Audience: WHORE FOR YEARS WHORE FOR YEARS WHORE FOR YEARS!

The aunt says she doesn't love the guy. Jerry boggled and sat down.

The aunt: *My* girl is in college!! [Audience goes wild.] Jerry: Waait... you can't be on our show if you're in college.

The husband's name is Lauren?

Audience: YOU RUINED THANKSGIVING YOU RUINED THANKSGIVING YOU RUINED THANKSGIVINGS!

Audience: YOU KILLED THE TURKEY YOU KILLED THE TURKEY YOU KILLED THE TURKEY! Jerry: [to the audience] The turkey's still alive, let me ask a question.

The husband: [to the aunt] You got big diamonds on your hands, I can't afford that, I got three kids to support! Audience: GET A JOB GET A JOB GET A JOB GET A JOB!

Audience: CHRISTMAS IS COMING CHRISTMAS IS COMING CHRISTMAS IS COMING!

The husband: I slept with her [the aunt] to piss her [the gf] off.

[---story change---]

Keisha is sleeping with a married man.

Audience: DIRTY WHORE DIRTY WHORE DIRTY WHORE! Jerry: Okay, you've met the first qualification for being on our show.

Jerry: Who is this guy? Keisha: Sebass.

Jerry: She doesn't know you're sleeping with her husband? Keisha: No. Jerry: You're gonna tell her? Keisha: Yeah. Jerry: [looks at director guy] Is she watching backstage? [Director guy shakes his head.] Jerry: No? Okay.

Keisha is sleeping with her boyfriend's brother.

Sheeebaaaazzzzz. The bf/husband.

Audience: SIT DOWN WHORE SIT DOWN WHORE SIT DOWN WHORE! Shebaz: [waves his arms in time with the audience]

Shebaz: The Hennessy was talkin' to me. Jerry: The who? Shebaz: The Hennessy-- Jerry: Oh, the drinking was... okay...

Shebaz: This is the first time I've done something like this in what, five years? Jerry: How'd you stay faithful so long?

Shebazz, I think the popup said...

[---Q&A---]

Audience: TURKEY WHORE TURKEY WHORE TURKEY WHORE!

Jerry's chewing on his thumbnail.

Audience guy: My wife would like to give Steve a hug.
So Steve stands up to meet a largish lady in purple and hug her:) He's so sweet.

A guy told the whole stage to give their kids up for adoption because they're all so screwed up. The audience told him to go to Oprah;)

Audience girl: My roommate and I would like to give Steve a hug, too. Someone: GO STEVE GO GO STEVE GO! Audience: DO IT TOPLESS DO IT TOPLESS DO IT TOPLESS! [The girls are sitting down again.] Jerry: Come on, go on up there! Come on! [So they do.]

[---Final Thought---]

"Take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Steve walking down hall with the aunt and with Shebazz's gf---]

Steve says the Thanksgiving dinner looked really good.

Thursday, July 05, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Battle of the Betrayed Lovers"

Fred's been married for ten years.

His wife often cheats on him.

Jerry: I gotta tell ya... that, that *never* happens on our show!

SpringerCam, the wife says she's cheating and is pregnant by the new man.

Audience: WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE!

I'm watching this episode with my dad, which is funny. He laughed at them chanting 'whore'.

Fred says he went out in the middle of the night to buy his wife a single cigarette. A *single* cigarette?

The wife is wearing a cross. She's being really mean, she's cheating, pregnant by the other man, but she's wearing a gold cross.

::grins:: Jerry: We'll bring him out-- Audience: [goes wild] Jerry: Wheeen! [grins at them] *When* . . . . we come back! [does the commercial signal; grins wildly at the audience] Ah-*ha!*

The man that the wife is cheating with is cheating on *her* and *she's* pregnant.

Jerry: [after the confession of the bf] Heheh... Fred's lookin' pretty good. Audience: FRED FRED FRED FRED FRED!

Carnell, the bf.

Carrnel, he seems to be spelled. The wife/gf is Lisa.

Jerry: Who are you cheating with? Carrnel: She don't need to know all that.

Carrnel's gf is Lisa's brother's fiancee.

Audience: [to Lisa] YOU GOT PLAYED YOU GOT PLAYED YOU GOT PLAYED!

And here comes the brother/fiancee:>

Five people onstage now, Steve broke up a fight. Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE!

The fiancee is pregnant, too.

[---story change---]

Jerry: Hector says his... *boy*friend-- Audience: [random cheers, but not like the cheering for lesbians] Jerry: Hector? You're gay? Hector: Noo. [grins] Yes...

Hector: I decided to call the Jerry Springer Show to find out what's going on. Jerry: And I am here to tell you that that may be the *wisest* decision you have ever made.

SpringerCam, Tony: What do you have a camera in my shop? Hector: That's the Jerry Springer Show. Tony: Ohh, hi Jerry, Steve!!

Tony is cheating on Hector with Vivian.

Hector's wearing high-heeled boots! They're wonderful.

Audience: [to Vivian] YOU'RE A MAN YOU'RE A MAN YOU'RE A MAN!

Jerry: You're a guy? Vivian: I'm a transexual. Hector: Wannabe transexual!!

Tony: [to Hector] Will you marry me? Audience guy: DON'T DO IT! Tony: [turns to audience] Oh, shut the hell up!!

Hector said, 'Kiss my ass and I will.' So Tony did.

Jerry: Is that the final answer--I--[laughs] Final answer... Audience: REGIS REGIS REGIS REGIS! Jerry: Let's bring'im out!

[---story change---]

Marcy suspects her gf is cheating.

Marcy: Every time I leave the house, she's sitting with this fatass called Bubba! [My dad: *She's* calling someone a fatass??] Audience: BUBBA BUBBA BUBBA BUBBA! Jerry: How long has she been seeing Bubba? [sounding like he likes saying 'bubba']

Marcy: How could you sleep with a girl named Bubba?!

Audience: LET'S SEE BUBBA LET'S SEE BUBBA LET'S SEE BUBBA!! Jerry: Bring out Bubba!

Ah, she's spelled Marci.

[---Q&A---]

Audience guy: Jerry, I got one question... is that stage reinforced? You got a lot of weight up there. Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE! Jerry: Steve, you may need to step away. Audience lady: The only good looking one up there *is* Steve. Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE! Steve: [smiles all modestly]

[---Final Thought---]

Jerry: It's hard to figure out how to save these relationships, but perhaps the bigger question is, should these relationships be saved? ((a bit of a paraphrase, but that's the gist))

"Till next time, take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Steve getting a manicure from Tony---]

Tony says that Hector isn't gonna marry him.

Wednesday, July 04, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

The audience is all sitting down, chanting 'JERRY' and stomping their feet...

"Unusual Love Affairs"

Stephanie is sleeping with her nephew.

Stephanie: He treats me correctly.

Jerry: Are you some day gonna sleep with your kid? Stephanie: No I will not. Jerry: Why not? Stephanie: Because that would be morally wrong.

Jerry: And your boyfriend doesn't know about this yet? Stephanie: No he does not. Jerry: And what a wonderful place to tell him!

Jerry wants to know where Stephanie and her boyfriend are from, because his reaction was that she's cheating, not that she's sleeping with her nephew.

The nephew: We don't get in fights! Jerry: Of course not... you're from the same gene pool...

Stephanie: Millions of people split up every day! Jerry: But they don't sleep with their family members...

Jerry: You don't wanna see him? Stephanie: Only for my baby's sake. Jerry: Tell him that. Stephanie: [to the father of the baby] I only wanna see you for our baby's sake.

[---story change---]

William says his gf of eleven years is cheating on him with a seventeen year old boy.

William and his gf have a nine year old kid...

William: I called you to help me bust'em. Jerry: And I happened to have the day off...

SpringerCam, outside the boy's house. He's putting signs in the window, 'I had your woman', 'Hi Jerry', 'Todd sucks', 'Steve Rules!' The audience booed at 'Todd sucks' and liked 'Steve Rules';)

The gf: [yelling across the street to some spectators] Don't you think he's stupid? One of them: We don't think nobody's stupid. Another one of them: Hi, Jerry!

Dave says "partner" to people who are fighting... seems like cops say that a lot.

The boy has a gf, too. And she's William's gf's sister.

Todd: Stay in your seat.

William's gf's sister: You bitch! William's gf: Well! The bitch's got him, don't she?

[---story change---]

Stacy is cheating on her bf with a woman. The audience is happy.

Stacy: I'm a bisexual stripper. Jerry: You're a bisexual stripper? Stacy: Yes. Jerry: Ah... ahh... I'm a heterosexual talk show host. [audience laughs happily; Jerry walks toward Todd, grins, goes back toward the audience] Nah, I won't say that about Todd...

Stacy: We've invited him to join in, but he's not into that... Todd: [points at Jerry] Audience: LIKE JERRY LIKE JERRY LIKE JERRY! Jerry: I'm at my fancy hotel...

Oh, she's spelled Staci.

Jerry: You gonna stay with her? Staci's bf: Thass old news! Thass old news! That threesome bit, that's old news! Audience: THREESOME WITH JERRY THREESOME WITH JERRY THREESOME WITH JERRY! Jerry: [turns to the audience] That's old news!

[---Q&A---]

The audience got Staci and her gf to take their tops off. Audience: WE LOVE JERRY WE LOVE JERRY WE LOVE JERRY WE LOVE JERRY!

[---Final Thought---]

"Take care of yourself, aaand echother." Someone in the audience: YYYEAHHH!!!!!!

[---Dave walking down hall with the woman and her nephew, talking about Thanksgiving---]

Sunday, July 01, 2001


JERRY JERRY JERRY...

People in the front row are stomping their feet while they chant.

Angelica's bf is cheating on her.

Angelica is pregnant.

Angelica has Joan Cusack's accent.

Angelica: I should be treated with the respect that, that he's not giving me.

"Pregnant and Betrayed!"

Angelica: I'm eight months pregnant . . . I'm having a baby.

Audience: HOMEWRECKER HOMEWRECKER HOMEWRECKER!

Oh, she's spelled Angelika.

Promo VO guy: 'My twin slept with my man'... pound for pound, the biggest show on television.

Jerry: [to Angelika's bf] You go off and sleep with Morgan and your response is it's *her* [Angelika's] fault!

[---story change---]

Lavreena?! What... what the hell? *Lavreena?*

She's pregnant by her sister's husband.

Ah--it's Laverina.

Laverina: I've been sleeping with Anthony for three years. Her sister: Do what?

The sister: I've asked him if he's cheated, he says no... Jerry: Well, you ask a question like that... 'Are you cheating?' 'Nah.'

[---Q&A---]

Audience woman: You look like such a whore, I can smell it from here!

This was said to be the quote of the day, by the promo.


Audience lady: Do you sleep with your sister too? Stage guy: [something] Jerry: You would if you could? Him: Yeah. Jerry: [makes a face, then turns to the audience] Tomorrow's show, we'll meet his sister!

Stage lady: You gettin' a jelly belly there-- Audience lady: [kinda laughs] You scare-crow lookin' bitch!

[---Final Thought---]

"Till next time, take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Steve walking down hall, lecturing the sisters---]