JERRY JERRY JERRY...
"Shocking Tales of Love"
Guy: I opened the door, and it was Rachael and the Jerry Springer camera behind her... Audience: JERRY JERRY JERRY Jerry: When you think about it, that's not a very happy circumstance.
Rachael: Would you tell my boyfriend to get out of this skank-ass trailer?
The bf came out wearing a bra, panties, a gold lame robe thing, and a plastic lei.
Him: I'm very, very pretty.
[Back onstage.] Jerry: Ahh... ahh... what were you thinkin'?
Steven, the bf. He says Rachael wouldn't come to Chicago.
Promo. Two stage people arguing about Viagra. Steve: [to the guy] Loser!
Paul: She cut my finger off! Jerry: She cut your finger off? What's she gonna cut off when she knows you're cheating?
Paul's going to hide in the audience before they bring his wife out. Jerry: Usually that's where I stand, so I don't get hurt.
Paul said he wants "Steve and his security" to be there when he tells his wife, and the audience chanted for Steve.
Laura, the wife: Hi, Jerry! Jerry: Hi, Laura.
Paul's running backstage, being chased by Paul, who's yelling 'HELP!' and 'WHERE'S STEVE?!'
Laura's saying, 'I'll kill you!'
Paul's hiding in a box. Steve picked Laura up and carried her back to the stage. She kept screaming at him to let her down, and kissing his cheek. The audience chanted 'LAURA LAURA LAURA!'...
Promo: Paul: It still gets so hard a cat can't scratch it. Jerry: How long has the cat been tryin'? Laura: Ever since the dog died.
Paul: [of his gf] Beautiful young lady. Laura: She won't be!
Audience guy: YOU SUCK! Laura: Yeah, what he said!
Linda, the gf.
Laura: You'll not have him! Linda: Yes I will! Laura: I tell you, every time I see you, I'll stomp you!
Laura and Paul were arguing about Viagra. Steve: [leans toward Paul] Loser!
Paul: It still gets so damn hard a cat can't scratch it! Audience: LET'S SEE LET'S SEE LET'S SEE! Laura: The cat's been declawed! Audience: LET'S SEE STEVE'S LET'S SEE STEVE'S! Steve: [pretends to unzip fly] Audience: LET'S SEE JERRY'S LET'S SEE JERRY'S LET'S SEE JERRY'S! Jerry: [holds up the wire end of his mic]
Girl: I'm a lesbian-- Audience: [cheers and cheers and cheers] Jerry: You're a lesbian? We've *never* had a lesbian on our show before. [pause; naive voice] What's that?
She's cheating on her gf, Becca.
Jerry: Becca, welcome to the show. I need to tell you this: I'm a guy. Becca: No, really?
Becca has amazing boots and the first girl has amazing hair.
Becca: I'm concerned with moving *up* in the world, and you want to stay down... Audience: [confused noises] Jerry: Isn't that what being a lesbian's all about?
The girl's new gf is very fat. She took off her shirt. Audience: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
Becca: Why don't you pull your second chin up and use it as a choker?
Trista says her bf is cheating.
Trista is a drag queen.
The bf's gf is also a drag queen.
They pulled off their wigs and lunged at eachother.
The new gf: [walks toward Jerry; flirtishly] Hi, Jerry! Jerry: [backing up] Hi... Audience person: YOU GO, GIRL!
Jerry: Why did you cheat on her? Him. It.
The bf says he's done with drag queens all together.
Jerry: You're not done being gay, right? Him: No, I'm still gay. Steve! [starts walk-chasing Steve] Steve! Steve! Steve!
Audience lady said she would've cut his penis off instead of his finger, he said, 'There's plenty of it left! You can have two inches off it!'
Audience chick gonna rub Steve's head. Several other chicks ran up, and they all knocked him down.
Audience guy: I have a question for the dancer there on the end... can I get a lapdance? [He didn't have any money, so she went to someone else in the audience who was holding money in the air.]
One of the drag queens wants to give Steve a kiss on the head. He ran to one of the security guys, tried to hide his head in the guy's chest. The drag queen somehow managed to knock both of them down, and did manage to kiss Steve's head.
Jerry: Thank you all for being with us, I hope you all had a good time. Steve, I know you did.
"Till next time, take care of yourself, aaand eachother."
[---Steve walking down hall with lesbians---]
They're offering him a dance, he says he can't.