Saturday, June 30, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

I've missed the first five minutes...

A very, very fat man is complaining about people who try to be not-fat.

SpringerCam, the fat guy is ordering three different dinners at once, but... *Diet* Coke:p

John, the fat guy.

"A Man And His Food: A Love Story"

Jerry says that John weighs seven hundred pounds.

John: [walks out onstage, growls at the audience, then chants 'JERRY']

They have a big sturdy bench thing for him to sit on...

John: Come on, people, don't you enjoy food? Jerry: But we also enjoy being able to go through a revolving door...

Aww... John's step-mother Barb walked out crying.

Oh my god... he took off his clothes. Where does he find underwear that big?

"a springercam production"

John's gf: You look at a sandwich more passionate than at me!

She brought a huuuge sandwich onstage and said it was either her or *that* sandwich. He chose the sandwich...

The gf: He's the president of the Clean Plate Club!

The gf says John's mother forced him to finish everything on his plate, when he was a kid. My mother has already advanced such a theory; that kids forced to eat all their food end up fat.

Jerry: We're sitting here with John, who is doing what he does most of the time... he's eating.

Jerry: We'll be back! Questions from the audience.

[---Q&A---]

Audience girl: [stands up; audience oooooos at her cos she's very good looking] Todd... I love you!

Audience lady: When you did that sickening strip tease, what's them white things you got on under there? John: [with an unspoken 'obviously'] My underwear. Lady: You had those made, right?

Audience guy: The Bible says to take only what you need... you are a glutton! Audience: [various sounds, some booing sounds] Jerry: This is a tough crowd... quote the Bible and get booed...

[---Final Thought---]

Jerry: How does it get to this? We're not born at four and five hundred pounds.

"Till next time, take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Steve, John, two security guys in hall---]

Steve and John are racing down the hall. Steve was winning, but then John won.

Friday, June 29, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"There's A Hooker In My House"

This woman has a friend taking care of her kids, but the friend is whoring out of her house.

SpringerCam. Guy: Who's that? Her: That's Jerry Springer! Guy: For real? I always wanted to be on Springer!

The friend says she has to whore so she can pay the woman's rent.

Woman: She was a virgin when she made him... now she's a whore... Jerry: She skipped a few steps in there...

Donna, the woman who has the kids and owns the house.

The pimp: I am the producer o' this!! [Audience laughs, Jerry laughs.] Jerry: [waves at the guy behind the bricks; he must be the producer]

The whore: I'm not doing this anymore! Her bf: Yes you is. Yes you is.

Jerry: [to the bf] She's not doing this anymore, is this relationship over? You can't make her cos you'd go to jail-- Pimp: Ain't nothin' new.

[---story change---]

TJ is in love with his best friend's girlfriend.

Tina, the gf. TJ's been sleeping with Tina off and on for the past three years, without the knowledge of the friend.

Will, the friend.

Tina: You don't have a job! Will: Do it matter if I have a job??

There are always *lots* of people wearing bright orange, in the audience.

[---story change---]

Tracy is here to tell her gf's husband that she's sleeping with his wife.

Jerry: You're here, but you don't know why you're here... but you're thinkin'... geez... Guy: It's the Springer Show...

Richard, the husband.

Gina, the gf/wife.

Tracy: ... I don't have a penis! Jerry: [dumb voice] I didn't know that!

Producer guy is playing the weird song... "hotter than hell"... Jerry keeps saying, 'Stop that!' ;)

Gina says she's going to stay with Richard. Tracy is amazed and is yelling about it.

That's *definitely* Jerry singing...

[---Q&A---]

Steve holding back the pimp... Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE!

Audience guy: Jerry, I'm sitting here thinking these people must be from the dumbest town in the country.

[---Final Thought---]

"Till next time, take care of yourself, aand eachother."

[---Steve and the pimp walking down hall---]

Steve in a green pimp hat and a stupid silver medalion, getting info from the pimp, taking notes.

Steve: I'mon' go get some hoes, now.

Thursday, June 28, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"I'm Sleeping With My Momma"

Woman: Jerry, I'm here to tell my daughter-in-law that I'm having an affair with my son.

Jerry: When did this sickness start? Her: About a year ago.

Her: I'm not gonna go out and be a whore-- Jerry: Don't be a whore, just be a pervert!

Shirlly, her.

She ran over her husband with her car, he died months later.

Her: I don't have sex with him often, it's an every once in a while thing...

She wasn't arrested for running over her husband?

SpringerCam, them kissing. Audience unhappy.

SpringerCam, them sitting reading the Bible.

Jerry: If you just joined us... you're lucky. I've been doing this show for ten years, that was about as disgusting a thing as I've seen...

The large cameras are Sony, too.

Jerry: Let's bring her [the wife] out, here's Tara. Tara: [hovers in doorway, shaking her head, returns backstage] Audience: TARA TARA TARA TARA!

Tara wants to leave, go call her dad, leave, doesn't wanna face her husband. Jerry says he's gonna let her leave.

Jerry: Welcome back, ahh, if you've just joined us here, ahh, Shirlly here, ahhh, has, ahh, slept with her son!

Jerry thinks Tara wasn't devestated enough.

Tara: TAKE HIM I DON'T WANT HIM NO MORE!!!

Jerry: [to the son] Bill... Bill, what's wrong with you?

Jerry: You should know better. Bill: [looks confused] Know better than what? Jerry: [boggles] You're cheating on your wife, *and* you're sleeping with your mother!

Steve: [to Bill] Talk to Jerry.

Bill: I had to fill the shoes of my father. Jerry: I assume your father wasn't a pervert... or was he? Bill: Am *I* a pervert? Jerry: Yeah!

[--story change--]

Diana says her daughter is with the wrong man.

Whoa, security guy on SpringerCam.

The daughter: Go over there and sit down and let me live my life!

Diana says the guy treats her daughter "like street doodoo"... *street* doodoo?

Mike, the guy Diana likes. Jerry brought him out. Diana: MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKE! [the audience wouldn't join in]

The guy Diana doesn't like walks out, followed by a guy carrying a chair.

[---Q&A---]

An audience lady says the guy and his mother should go to jail.

[---Final Thought---]

"Take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

I missed all of the Final Thought, because I was in the other room, discussing Billy Drago and Yaphet Kotto, with my dad.

[---Steve walking down hall with the mother---]

He's not talking to her.

Wednesday, June 27, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Shocking Tales of Love"

Guy: I opened the door, and it was Rachael and the Jerry Springer camera behind her... Audience: JERRY JERRY JERRY Jerry: When you think about it, that's not a very happy circumstance.

Rachael: Would you tell my boyfriend to get out of this skank-ass trailer?

The bf came out wearing a bra, panties, a gold lame robe thing, and a plastic lei.

Him: I'm very, very pretty.

[Back onstage.] Jerry: Ahh... ahh... what were you thinkin'?

Steven, the bf. He says Rachael wouldn't come to Chicago.

Promo. Two stage people arguing about Viagra. Steve: [to the guy] Loser!

[---story change---]

Paul: She cut my finger off! Jerry: She cut your finger off? What's she gonna cut off when she knows you're cheating?

Paul's going to hide in the audience before they bring his wife out. Jerry: Usually that's where I stand, so I don't get hurt.

Paul said he wants "Steve and his security" to be there when he tells his wife, and the audience chanted for Steve.

Laura, the wife: Hi, Jerry! Jerry: Hi, Laura.

Paul's running backstage, being chased by Paul, who's yelling 'HELP!' and 'WHERE'S STEVE?!'

Laura's saying, 'I'll kill you!'

Paul's hiding in a box. Steve picked Laura up and carried her back to the stage. She kept screaming at him to let her down, and kissing his cheek. The audience chanted 'LAURA LAURA LAURA!'...

Promo: Paul: It still gets so hard a cat can't scratch it. Jerry: How long has the cat been tryin'? Laura: Ever since the dog died.

Paul: [of his gf] Beautiful young lady. Laura: She won't be!

Audience guy: YOU SUCK! Laura: Yeah, what he said!

Linda, the gf.

Laura: You'll not have him! Linda: Yes I will! Laura: I tell you, every time I see you, I'll stomp you!

Laura and Paul were arguing about Viagra. Steve: [leans toward Paul] Loser!

Paul: It still gets so damn hard a cat can't scratch it! Audience: LET'S SEE LET'S SEE LET'S SEE! Laura: The cat's been declawed! Audience: LET'S SEE STEVE'S LET'S SEE STEVE'S! Steve: [pretends to unzip fly] Audience: LET'S SEE JERRY'S LET'S SEE JERRY'S LET'S SEE JERRY'S! Jerry: [holds up the wire end of his mic]

[---story change---]

Girl: I'm a lesbian-- Audience: [cheers and cheers and cheers] Jerry: You're a lesbian? We've *never* had a lesbian on our show before. [pause; naive voice] What's that?

She's cheating on her gf, Becca.

Jerry: Becca, welcome to the show. I need to tell you this: I'm a guy. Becca: No, really?

Becca has amazing boots and the first girl has amazing hair.

Becca: I'm concerned with moving *up* in the world, and you want to stay down... Audience: [confused noises] Jerry: Isn't that what being a lesbian's all about?

The girl's new gf is very fat. She took off her shirt. Audience: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

Becca: Why don't you pull your second chin up and use it as a choker?

[---story change---]

Trista says her bf is cheating.

Trista is a drag queen.

The bf's gf is also a drag queen.

They pulled off their wigs and lunged at eachother.

The new gf: [walks toward Jerry; flirtishly] Hi, Jerry! Jerry: [backing up] Hi... Audience person: YOU GO, GIRL!

Jerry: Why did you cheat on her? Him. It.

The bf says he's done with drag queens all together.

Jerry: You're not done being gay, right? Him: No, I'm still gay. Steve! [starts walk-chasing Steve] Steve! Steve! Steve!

[---Q&A--]

Audience lady said she would've cut his penis off instead of his finger, he said, 'There's plenty of it left! You can have two inches off it!'

Audience chick gonna rub Steve's head. Several other chicks ran up, and they all knocked him down.

Audience guy: I have a question for the dancer there on the end... can I get a lapdance? [He didn't have any money, so she went to someone else in the audience who was holding money in the air.]

One of the drag queens wants to give Steve a kiss on the head. He ran to one of the security guys, tried to hide his head in the guy's chest. The drag queen somehow managed to knock both of them down, and did manage to kiss Steve's head.

[---Final Thought---]

Jerry: Thank you all for being with us, I hope you all had a good time. Steve, I know you did.

"Till next time, take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Steve walking down hall with lesbians---]

They're offering him a dance, he says he can't.

Tuesday, June 26, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

Fog... lots of leftover fog.

Gail's husband is sleeping with a teenage boy.

"Heartbreakers Confronted"

Jerry: Did you have any idea he was gay? Gail: Not really. Audience: [laughs]

Ah, Gale.

She said she had a drink, and decided to call the Springer show. Heh, drunken talk show calling!

The bf: He's gay, honey! G-A-Y! [Beep; faggot], whatever you wanna know!

The bf: Bitch! B-I-T-C-H! Female dog in heat equals Gale!

Gale got stuck with the bill, because the husband and the bf left without paying...

Some audience guy: GET RID OF HIM!

Promo VO guy: The hills are alive with the sounds of the next Jerry Springer!

The husband: I married you to hide my gayness! Is that wrong? Yes, it's wrong! I'm sorry I'm gay, okay?! Jerry: No one's asking you to apologize for being gay...

What the hell? Steve took the bf backstage and is lecturing him. We don't get to hear.

The bf: He's gay!! Gale: That doesn't matter!!

[---story change---]

David's fiancee is sleeping with his best man.

Jamie, the best man.

Steve: Watch the language, watch the language.

Audience guy: YEAH, STEVE!

[---story change---]

Tia: She's turning my house into a whorehouse! Audience: JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY! Jerry: [holds his hands up at them] I had nothing to do with it.

Leslie: Hi, Jerry! [giggles] Jerry: Hi... I've never met you, have I? Leslie: Noo. Jerry: Good.

Tia: Who is you for dem to lie on?

Audience: [after seeing video of Leslie whoring] HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO!

Leslie looks muchly like Alfre Woodard.

Tia: Thass why I went to Jerry! Cos I wanted the truth! Jerry: There's gotta be a better way...

[---Q&A---]

Audience guy: How much you charge? Leslie: Two hundred a pop.

Steve shoved Dave, then grinned real big. In the middle of trying to keep an angry stage person from getting to an angry audience person.

[---Final Thought---]

"Take care of yourself, aaand eachother."