Saturday, June 23, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

Yay Steve!

"Scorned Lovers Get Revenge"

Geraldine says she makes her bf's breakfast and bought him a car and a house. Jerry says she sounds like a good catch.

She's throwing away her bf's police scanner. He's not a police.

She's having his car torn apart by an amazing car-picking-up machine. There's a Springer bumpersticker on the car...

Promo. Guy: He's gay, honey! G-A-Y!

Steve just put something in his pocket.

The bf: Jerry, would you wanna walk through the mall with this woman on your arm? Jerry: [shrugs]

The bf: Lemme tell ya somethin', woman! That well went dry years ago! Jerry: Maybe it needs a new drill.

The bf has a large belly. Him: I got this from the Waffle House! Audience: WAFFLE HOUSE WAFFLE HOUSE WAFFLE HOUSE! Jerry: Eating the Waffle House? Or *at* the Waffle House?

Geraldine: You skanky ass bitch!

Audience: [to the skanky ass bitch] ANOREXIC ANOREXIC! Her: Kiss my anorexic ass!

Jerry's doing muscle man poses... Audience: SUPER JERRY SUPER JERRY SUPER JERRY!

[---story change---]

Michael says his wife is sleeping with his brother, who he only met a month ago.

Donny, the brother.

Donny: I will swear on my grave... [That the wife started it.]

Michael: Know what's funny, Jerry? Jerry: W-what? Michael: [long pause] How could it happen? Jerry: [much longer pause, while various people in the audience express various noises of confusion] Wuh... well... y-y-yeah, that's funny. Well... it happened... [turns to Donny] because you didn't care that he was your brother...

Michael: Out of the gracious of my heart...

Donny wants "to step out of the relationship"... Audience: [to Shelly, the gf] YOU GOT PLAYED YOU GOT PLAYED YOU GOT PLAYED!

Michael: [to Donny] I don't want diddleysquat to do with you.

Donny doesn't want Shelly, and Michael doesn't want Shelly.
Jerry: So... where are you? Shelly: [shrugs] Right where I should be, I guess. Audience: ON THE CORNER ON THE CORNER ON THE CORNER ON THE CORNER! Shelly: [to the audience; annoyed] Yeah, and you should be there too.

[---story change---]

This woman's boyfriend is sleeping with her cousin.

Jerry made fun of her accent.

They've taken the SpringerCam to a *camper.* A camper in the middle of a trailerpark.

::laughs:: She duct-taped a "Whores on Board" sign to the back of the camper, hooked it up to her pick-up, and drove it away.

She's driving through the trailerpark, honking the horn and shouting 'look at these cheatin' bastards!' People standing alongside the drive chanted 'WHORES ON BOARD WHORE ON BOARD WHORES ON BOARD' and the Springer audience joined in:)

He says he's cheating on her cos he can't have sex with a pregnant woman.

He wants her back, though.

[---Q&A---]

Donny has a very odd mark above one eye.

Someone should turn back to Jerry, offer him the mic, and say, 'You wanna ask a question?'

Audience: EAT MORE WAFFLES EAT MORE WAFFLES EAT MORE WAFFLES!

Audience: SHARE THE WAFFLES!

Audience lady: This is to Geraldine, what you did was [something good], we need more empowered women like you. Audience: GO TO THE VIEW GO TO THE VIEW GO TO THE VIEW!

[---Final Thought---]

"Till next time, take care of yourself, aand eachother."


[---Steve walking down hall with the waffle guy and his gf---]

She says she'll feed Steve.

Thursday, June 21, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

Steeeve.

"Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome the eighth wonder of the world, Jerry W. Springer."

Jerry: Have you ever considered being with another lover? Audience: WHOOAAA.

"Sinful Sex Tales"

Anthony is here to tell his bf's gf to back off.

Jerry: You called her bitch, but she could be a nice... bitch. Anthony: From what I hear of her, she's a bitch. Jerry: Ah... well... it's better than being a skank. Then you graduate to slut. [showing levels with his hands] It's bitch, skank, slut.

Anita: My man is strraight!

::blinks:: SpringerCam. But. Anthony's the one with the camera. No camera guy.

The bf: Oh, cool. Glow in the dark condoms.

Anthony: [breathy] Happy birthday, Mister Pre-zza-dint.

Jerry: When did you find out you were gay? The bf: About a year ago. Jerry: How do you find out--how do you--what, you go in the men's room and say 'whooaa!!'?

Anthony: I kick your ass! Anita: You what?! Now I know you're fruitty fruitloops! Audience: FRUITY FRUITY FRUITY FRUITY!

Anita: [suddenly] Are you bi?! The bf: I thought I was bi... but now I'm gay! Jerry: Did this revelation come this morning? Last night, you were with her.

[---story change---]

Hmm, a lesbian incest whore. She said, 'I'm here to tell him that I'm sleeping with my cousin who is a woman!'

Her bf yells like John Cleese. But with a hick American accent.

Nancy, the cousin-gf. Pat, the bf.

Audience: INCEST WHORE INCEST WHORE!

Nancy: *I'm* the one who watches those kids, I take them to the park, I kiss their scrapes. Jerry: Obviously you've been kissing more than scrapes...

The woman: You wanna see how fed up I am?! Pat: Yeah! Her: [runs offstage; comes back with a duffle bag full of clothes, dumps them on him]

Audience: DON'T HURT STEVE DON'T HURT STEVE DON'T HURT STEVE!

Audience: STEVE'S GETTIN' OLD STEVE'S GETTIN' OLD STEVE'S GETTIN' OLD! Steve: [laughing, sits down]

Her: [screams at Pat] I DON'T LOVE YOU!!!! IS IT ENGLISH, FRENCH, OR GERMAN? I DON'T LOVE YOU!! I DON'T LOVE YOU! Jerry: [deadpan, to Pat] She appears to be saying she doesn't love you.

Steve: Are those yours? [to the audience] Did you see his underwear? [holds a pair up] Audience: [to Pat] YOU ARE GAY YOU ARE GAY YOU ARE GAY!

[---story change---]

Belinda's dreams of a perfect relationship were shattered when she heard rumours of her bf cheating on her.

Jerry's mocking Belinda's hick accent.

Belinda's friend: [points at the camera] Is that Jerry Springer? Belinda: Yes it is.

Uh-oh... Belinda is wearing something very similiar to something I own.

Her bf is a mechanic. They're at the garage.

Belinda's bf's boss: I tell you to work! What you doin' naked?!

Belinda: [to the boss] He needs a day off for the Springer Show-- Boss: THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW?! IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT?!

The bf: I'm about fed up with you, little girl! I can't believe you brung the SpringerCam out there!

Audience: [at the bf] SIT DOWN LOSER SIT DOWN LOSER SIT DOWN LOSER! Jerry: [sits down]

The gf: [screaming] EVEN JERRY WANTS ME! Audience: SHOW JERRY SHOW JERRY SHOW JERRY! Her: [shows Jerry] Audience: JERRY LOVES BITCHES JERRY LOVES BITCHES! Her: THAT'S RIGHT! JERRY LOVES BITCHES! MEEE! Audience: GIVE JERRY A LAPDANCE GIVE JERRY A LAPDANCE! Jerry: [quickly stands up]

[---Q&A---]

Eee, an audience guy who looks like Buscemi. Creepy.

A large audience lady wants to hug Steve. The audience told her to give him a lapdance.

Jerry: [standing with two chicks] Steve? You want'em? Steve: Send'em down. [The two chicks run onstage and sit on Steve] Audience: STEVE LOVES LESBIANS! [They stay for a long time, laughing and hugging Steve and eachother. Steve is very happy. Then Jerry tells them to go back into the audience:( ]

[---Final Thought---]

Whoa, pan over stage, Steve's not sitting there anymore. Dave is. I bet Steve's setting up for Steve's Corner with the two chicks...

Yet again, Jerry says that bisexuality is not an excuse for infedelity.

"Till next time, take care of yourself, and eachother."

[---Steve's Corner---]

Katie and Cori, the girls.

Steve: During segment five, you were all over me...
This is from last night, cos my ISP was being evil.

---------------

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

Jerry: Meet Angel. Angel says she's always been daddy's little girl, but now more than ever.

Angel's father's ex-wife is lunging at Angel, Jerry's in the way. Jerry: Don't hurt me, stay over there. Audience: DON'T HURT JERRY DON'T HURT JERRY DON'T HURT JERRY!

Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE [everything dies down, very oddly] Jerry: [seizing the oppurtunity] I tell ya what, we'll be back.

"I'm Sleeping With My Dad"

Jerry: Welcome back, if you just joined us... this is really sick, to be honest.

Jerry: He's a pervert!

Jerry: What're you doin', sleepin' with your daughter? Guy: [stares at him] There ain't nothin' wrong with it. Jerry: There *is* something--what do you mean, there's nothin' wrong with it? Him: If you daughter made you [beep] the way she makes me [beep], you'd know. Jerry: If this wasn't a show, I'd slap you silly.

[---story change---]

This woman's gf Patricia is cheating on her with her niece Maria. The woman's niece, not the gf's.

Patricia: She's never there for me, Jerry. Jerry: She's out with the cows. [Sound effect, mooooo.] Audience: COW WHORE COW WHORE COW WHORE!

Maria is married to a guy, and has children.

This guy says he works 900 hours a week...

Maria: There is nothing more I would like than to have a husband care for me. Jerry: [starts to speak, stops, looks at the audience, which makes a noise at him] Well... it's hard to treat this seriously...

[---story change---]

John's wife is cheating on him with a guy.

He says the guy lives in a tent, on the Ohio river.

John: He takes a bath in the Ohio River, Jerry. Jerry: Oh, the *Ohio* River... well, that's no way to be cleaning yourself up...

Steve: [trying to subdue the tent guy] Relax! RELAX!

Jerry: You know that this woman you're sleeping with is his wife? Tent guy: Frankly, my dears, I don't give a damn. Jerry: [rolls his eyes] Ah, so you've been to Tara...

Audience: TENT WHORE TENT WHORE TENT WHORE!

Tent guy: [suddenly leaps up and yells at John, interupting Jerry] Jerry: [throws his hands in the air] Steve: [grabs the tent guy] Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE!

Ray, the tent guy.

Ray's got another gf. Jerry: For a guy who's living in a tent, you're getting pretty many women. What do you do, say 'Heyy, come down to the river and I'll show you my pole'? Steve: [laughs]

Ray's gf said something about calling him. Jerry: Wait a minute, if he's living in a tent, how are you guys calling him? Ray: [stands up, a hand in the air] May I answer that question? Jerry: The chair recognizes the man in blue. Ray: I can afford a cell phone because I have very little overhead.


[---Q&A---]

Audience lady: I wanna thank alla you for makin' me feel so much better about *my* life.

[---Final Thought---]

[much lecturing on

[---Steve's Corner---]

Ray, being questioned on why he's living in a tent.

Tuesday, June 19, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Jerry Springer Invades Hedonism II", part 2.

Springer, v.
To disrupt the harmony of your love life.

Jerry: Here on Springer Island!

This woman is tearing a wedding apart. Destroying a bit of Hedonism...

Her bf, whose wedding it was, jumped into the water and swam away...;p

She threw a chair into the water...

People standing around: GO HOME WHORE! GO HOME WHORE! GO HOME WHORE!

Someone: Gee, whiz...

People: YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK!

Whoa... waterproof camera. The gf and the fiancee lept into the water. And a camera guy followed. Not a proper stage camera, like the usual ones, but a small camcorder sort.

Rain. The gf.

Lotsa people wearing tie-dyed Hedonism II shirts... want one.

Fiancee: 1, who are you? 2-- Rain: [holds out her hand] Hi, I'm Rain, and I'm sleeping with your man.

People standing around, as the bf comes out: WHOOOOOORE! LOSER! YOU SUCK YOU SUCK!

Rain: [points to herself] Filet mignon, [points at the fiancee] liver. Jerry: This guy could be a vegetarian, for all I know. People: FILET MIGNON WHORE!

He wants the fiancee back. Jerry: [to her] You want him back? Final answer.

Negril, Jamaica. I think is what he said.

Story change.

Cheyenne, name of this guy's gf.

She's cheating on him with a dwarf. The dwarf: [kissing her legs] You got legs like a bucket of chicken...

Cheyenne has flowers in her hair.

Jason, the dwarf. Evil name.

People: WE LOVE MIDGETS WE LOVE MIDGETS!

Jason's running from the bf. Steve: [to the camera; kinda whines] Gotta chase a midget? [follows them]

Jason climbed a tree and is throwing coconuts or something down at the bf...

Story change.

Dallas' boyfriend is cheating.

Jerry's carrying this little remote control looking thing... he uses it to show the SpringerCam vids...

Jerry: Seven times? There must be some kind of formula... if you've got him seven times, that probably means he's done it 21 times. Two-to-one? I dunno.

He's cheating on her w/ a fat chick.

Dallas' bf: Dallas, I want to to meet Christy... I've never been with a fat girl, before.

Bf: I've learned something today... skinny girls are just a pain in the ass.

Dallas: I can't believe this tape! He's cheating on me with a fat chick?!

Dallas looks like a cross between Joan Cusack and Angelina Jolie.

Tony, the bf.

Jerry has a b&w floral shirt with huge flowers & leaves on it. And white shorts. And really nice sunglasses.

::peers at Dallas:: She looks *just* like Joan Cusack. But with huge lips. Bigger than Jolie's.

People: HEDONISM LOSER!

'Hedonism' chants nicely.

Jerry: You're gonna continue to be faithful? You're gonna feed her and all that? [to Tony, about Christy]

Story change.

Danielle met her bf Chris on Jerry's show? ::laughs::

Or maybe she said they've been on it...

Chris likes to be dominated.

The dominatrix is making him act like a seal.

Mistress Tara, the dominatrix.

Jerry: How hard can it be? She tells you to bark like a seal... don't! You're a grown man!

::laughs:: Danielle shoved Mistress Tara into the pool:>

Helitours Jamaica Limited...

Jerry's wardrobe provided by www.littlegrasshack.com

www.superclubs.com

Bloopers!!

Jerry, wearing boxers and nothing else, walked into the shot, got yelled at ("You're in the shot!"), kissed Christy, walked out of the shot.

Jason's bonfire wouldn't light. 'Son of a bitch, it didn't light. Hellfar!' (That's "hellfire", for those who don't speak US southern hick.)