Saturday, June 09, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Unusual Secret Lovers"

Jerry: [to the cheering audience] If I'd know you were this nice, I'd've been here sooner.

Kershawn needs to find out her boyfriend's secret.

Her bf: [to his lover] Hi. It: [looks at the camera] What's this? Him: It's the SpringerCam. It: Oh. Hi, Jerry, hi, Steve.

It is very large, black, and male. Kershawn is black, too, but the guy is white.

Kirshawn, says the popup.

Mabel, the it. Transvestite.

Audience: YOU'RE A MAN YOU'RE A MAN YOU'RE A MAN! Jerry: Yes I am.

Jerry: You haven't been in England, have you? Mabel: Excuse me? Jerry: No, I mean... why are you sleeping with him?

Mabel: He is gay! From head to toe! From head to toe, he is gay!

"Up Stage Left", written on the wall. Backstage. Jerry, Kirshawn, and the bf are all standing backstage.

Jerry: [looks bored with Kirshawn and the bf arguing; looks at camera, signals for break] We'll be back.

[---story change---]

Jerry looked rather intently at the gag on his mic and brushed something off it.

Stacy is here to tell her bf she's been having "sexual relations" with her sister for a while now.

Jerry: So you're okay with the fact that she's bisexual, but just--not-- Jeremy: [grins at him] Jerry: [grins and looks at the audience] He can't stop grinning when he thinks of that. Audience: THREESOME THREESOME THREESOME!

Their mother is shocked:>

Her: They've never been able to stand eachother!! Jerry: They got over that...

She called Stacy a "trollop". The audience laughed and chanted "TROLLOP TROLLOP INCEST TROLLOP INCEST TROLLOP!!"

Their mother, looking at Jeremy: I can *see* maybe he's not enough man for you, but gaaaah!

[---story change---]

Woman: ...been cheatin' on me with my free-en [friend]. Jerry: With your free-en? Her: Yeah. Audience: [laughs]

Steve: [to one of the woman] Watch your language.

Woman: She's nothin' but a streetwalkin' whore! Audience: STREETWALKIN' WHORE STREETWALKIN' WHORE STREETWALKIN' WHORE!

One of the onstage camera guys' camera is a Sony... well, if one is, I assume they all are.

Him: [points at the friend] That right there is a mistake! Her: It was not a mistake! The wife: That right there is a whore!! Her: I am not a whore!

Jammy... this guy's name is Jammy.

Jammy keeps looking at the audience like they're all aliens or something... they told him to kiss his wife's feet and he stared blankly at them like they all grew two heads. Or had one big head between them. Which kinda seems likely...

Audience: SHUT UP LOSER SHUT UP LOSER SHUT UP LOSER!

Audience chick: Can I rub Steve's head? Jerry: [waves her onstage] Her: [goes up and rubs Steve's head] Jerry: [to another audience chick] Would you like to rub Steve's head? Her: No, actually, can I hug Steve? I'd be honoured? Audience: KISSIMONNALIPS KISSIMONNALIPS! Steve: [stands up, rubs his lips against his hand exageratedly, and meets her at the edge of the stage, hugs her, she kisses his cheek]

[---Final Thought---]

The very slow zoom they do doing the FT bothers me.

Jerry: Except in the most extreme of circumstances, we get treated exactly as we allow ourselves to be.

"Till next time, take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Steve's Corner---]

Talking to Mabel... Steve says it was disturbing to see Mabel and her guy in the tub together.

Friday, June 08, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

Jerry: They're here to share their loving stories on the Springer Family Hour!

"It's The Springer Family Hour"

A brother and sister... the audience hates incest.

Audience: INCEST WHORE INCEST WHORE INCEST WHORE!

Jerry: We're not allowed to talk about anyone who's not on the show.

The brother says incest is okay because it's in the Bible:p

The brother's gf is not happy.

Jerry: Welcome back to the Springer Family Hour... Audience: [cheers hysterically] Jerry: I guess you know if it has my name associated with it, it isn't your normal family.

Jerry: We're running out of subjects... even if we have to grow our own.

[---story change---]

Randa is sleeping with her twin sister.

Randa's sister has another gf. She's not happy.

Rhonda? Randa's twin's name is Rhonda?:p

Audience: TWIN WHORES TWIN WHORES TWIN WHORES!

Randa has a bf...

Randa: The only thing you do is stick your head up my [beep; ass?]!! Audience: LET'S SEE LET'S SEE LET'S SEE! Jerry: That's *gotta* hurt...

[---story change---]

Audience: CRYBABY WHORE CRYBABY WHORE!

This guy's wife is sleeping with his nephew...

The husband: How you gon' play me out like dat?!

[---story change---]

Jason is sleeping with his wife's cousin. Who is a man.

Jerry: Does she know her cousin's a man? Jason: Yes, she knows he's a man. Jerry: I'm just being silly...

[---Q&A---]

The brother mooned the audience...

Audience lady: I just wanna know, can I kiss Steve? [goes onstage] Audience: KISS'IM ONNA LIPS!

Large audience guy: You can kiss my ENTIRE ass!

[---Final Thought---]

Jerry: You know, you wanna be polite, but this is sick.

"Till next time, take care of yourself, and eachother."

[---Steve walking down hall with the brother and the sister---]

Steve says he wouldn't sleep with either of his sisters.

The sister says that they should make Steve the godfather of their future children.

Thursday, June 07, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

Ah! Five people in the front row are wearing bright orange shirts with "J E R R Y" in white letters! Rockon!

"Bizzare Cheating Secrets"

Jerry: Why are you here? Woman: I have no idea. He just said, 'We're going to Chicago.' I said, 'Okay.' Jerry: And you stopped by here? Woman: Sure.

Her husband is cheating on her with a very fat woman, because he likes the fatness.

Audience: [to the husband] FAT WHORE FAT WHORE FAT WHORE!

Him: She just wants me to be her puppet! Audience: BAD PUPPET BAD PUPPET BAD PUPPET!

Kelsy, the woman, and Dave, the guy.

Jerry: So you're complaining that he sits around the house... Kelsy: That's all he does! Jerry: And when he sits around the house, he sits *around* the house... [kinda giggles and looks out into the audience] Sorry...

Ohh, the audience people with the shirts... one of them has both R's.

The fake Dave mooned the audience, well, showed the audience his underwear, and everyone started laughing. Him: See, even Steve tried to get in my pants! Steve: [runs up and tries to pull down his pants]

Kelsy: [stands up and opens her arms to the audience] Any females or males out there wanna come home with this?

Audience: THREESOME THREESOME THREESOME! FOURSOME WITH JERRY FOURSOME WITH JERRY FOURSOME WITH JERRY!

Audience: SIT DOWN COW SIT DOWN COW SIT DOWN COW!

Someone did a cow noise... sound effect or audience person?

[---story change---]

Russel is cheating on his gf. "Because she's fat."

Jerry often holds his cards at arms-length.

Audience: SKINNY WHORE SKINNY WHORE!

Jerry: Are you saying you wanna end the marriage? Russel: Yes. Russel's gf: Bye. [walks offstage]

Russel says he is "more happier."

The gf is begging for six more months. Audience made her get on her knees and is telling her to kiss his feet...

::laughs:: Russel: You do everything I want. You even aerobic for me. Audience: AEROBIC WHORE AEROBIC WHORE AEROBIC WHORE!

[---story change---]

Walter: I'm cheating on my girlfriend with an olderike lady. Jerry: You're cheating on your girlfriend with a what? Walter: An olderike lady. Jerry: [looks at the sound guy or whatever he is] Him: [nods at Jerry] Jerry: A what? Audience: [pepperings of "olderike lady"] Jerry: Ohh... ohh, like she's *older!* Audience: HILLBILLY HILLBILLY HILLBILLY! Jerry: Like how long has this been going on like?

They're playing that song again... the security guys are squaredancing with audience chicks;)

Walter: ... I'm tarred of it. Jerry: You're tarred? Walter: [agrees] Jerry: How long have you been tarred of it? Walter: About a month. Jerry: [continues mocking his accent, saying "Ah" instead of "I" and such]
I'd like to say that people where I live really do talk like some of the awful people on Springer;) They *do* say "tarred" instead of "tired"... my mother tends to say it, matter of fact. Usually joking, but not always. And I've found myself saying such things, lately:(

Jerry: How long have you lived in Mayberry?

"You say things aren't going well you're hotter than hell..." The song. Playing it again.

The four JERRY letter people are squaredancing onstage:)

His gf: How long has it been since you've came to me and...
I hate it when people use "came" incorrectly.

Walter: I go out and make you money ever day!
People say "ever day" here, too.

The olderike woman is... very olderike.

Jerry made a face at her:>

Audience: GRAMMA WHORE GRAMMA WHORE!

Her name is Viola.

Jerry: [asks Viola some questions, then stops] Why am I yelling? Audience: COS SHE'S OLD COS SHE'S OLD!

jerry: How old are you? Viola: I better not say in front of him. He thinks I'm younger than I am. Do I have to tell you? Jerry: No...

Walter's asking Viola to marry him.

Jerry: Do you think he's using you? Viola: Well, sometimes I wonder.

Walter's gf: Sugar momma, that's what she is!!

Walter: [talking about innocent things he does for her] ...I bring in the wood... Viola: [puts a hand on his arm] Jerry: [grins, looks at audience] I bet she hasn't seen that for a while...

[---Q&A---]

Audience guy: To the... robust gentleman up there... you are a prime example of why some members of the animal species eat their young. The guy *behind* "the robust gentleman": [stands up] Lemme tell you somethin'-- Steve: He was talkin' to *him*. Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE!

Audience lady: Is it okay if I go give Steve a sexy kiss on his head? Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE!

[---Final Thought---]

Jerry: We always know what we want, but we don't often know what's best for us...

"Life *is* like a box of chocolates. No, you don't know what you're going to get, but even if you did, and you want it, it may not be good for you."

[---Steve's Corner---]

Walter says he slept with Viola last night.

Walter: [something about how Viola is nice, and good to him] Steve: Bor-ring. Is she good in bed?

Wednesday, June 06, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome the eighth wonder of the world, Jerry W. Springer..."

"Brutal Breakups"

SpringerCam. This man, of his fiance. 'Why is she going into a hotel room with a MAN?!' Uh, gee. I wonder.

She comes out of the hotel. He says, 'What did she do, just sleep with this guy?!'

The guy in the hotel says it was just a girl he called for.

'What're you doing with my fiancee??' 'I was using her as a playtoy.'

'What's with the camera?' 'It's Jerry Springer!' 'Oh, man...'

'I've been with her for two years!' 'And you didn't know about this?' 'No!' 'Oh, man... you really need to increase your communication level.' ::laughs hysterically::

"Are you in a bizarre love triangle? If so, call us at 1-800-96-JERRY and tell us about it."

Audience: WHOOOOOOOOOOORE WHORE WHORE WHORE WHORE! Michelle: Shut up! Oh my god... Shut up!

She says it's not her fiancee's business whether she's a hooker or not:p

I think he said something about how many nights he's been alone, naked, waiting for her. Jerry: How many? Him: You don't have enough fingers, Jerry. Jerry: [childish surprise] More than ten!

Him: Isn't a relationship supposed to be based on trust, honor, love?
The audience cheered him; I expect them to chant 'GO TO OPRAH'...

She told him to take her kids and leave... Jerry boggled at her. 'Are you really willing to leave your kids?' 'Yes.'

Jerry: You're saying that being a prostitute is more important than loving your own children? Her: Yes. Audience: [screams at her, boos her, calls her names] Her: Ohh! You don't even know!!


[---story change---]

Monica says her roommate is sleeping with her boyfriend.

Jerry: Are you guys arguing over food? Monica's roommate: Yes!

Their bf: [to Monica] All you do is sit around, eat cheese puffs, and watch Jerry!!

::laughs:: The bf: [talking about his newest gf] She's thin, she's blind, and she was born a man!

Alexis, the blind transvestite.

A camera guy, holding one of the Springer cards in front of the camera:)

[---story change---]

Nikoma... odd name.

Nikoma: I've been in a lesbian relationship with Renee for about a year. Audience: WE LOVE LESBIANS WE LOVE LESBIANS WE LOVE LESBIANS!!! Jerry: And you know you always have a home with us.

Nikoma: Maybe I would give you what you need for you to give me what you need to give me! Jerry: Could we replay that? Oh, okay.

Nikoma said something about Renee not giving her the manly feel she needs. Jerry: [grins at audience; deep voice] *The manly feel.* Audience: JERRY'S GAY JERRY'S GAY JERRY'S GAY! Jerry: [looks at them, makes so-so hand motion]

Renee: [yelling at Nikoma's bf] I put a roof over her head, I give her food!! Jerry: We're back to the food thing again?

::laughs hysterically:: An onstage camera is now wearing a wig.

Renee made Nikoma kiss her feet, because Nikoma wants her back. The audience got bored with their arguing after that. So. Audience: KISS HER FEET AGAIN KISS HER FEET AGAIN!

Audience: DAVE DAVE DAVE DAVE!

Ah, she's spelled Nacoma.

Renee, quietly and somewhat reluctantly said she'd take Nacoma back.

[---Q&A---]

Audience guy: I got a suggestion for the two lesbians... why don't you kiss and make up? Them: [kiss] Audience: YYYYEAAAAH!! WE LOVE LESBIANS WE LOVE LESBIANS!

Audience guy: To the prostitute... do you have a card?

And audience guy insulted a stage guy and they tried to attack eachother... security stopped the stage guy, and the audience guy's friends stopped him.

Whoa, a stage woman attacked Todd for what he had the audience chant... chased him all the way around back stage and back onstage and through the audience...

Audience guy: [to the hooker] I tell you what, I seen sexier legs on a chair, you'd go broke in my neighbourhood.

[---Final Thought---]

"Till next time, take care of yourself, and eachother..."

[---Dave walking down hall with Monica, sharing cheese puffs with her---]