Friday, June 01, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome the eighth wonder of the world, Jerry W. Springer..."

"Love Affair Disasters"

Donny says his girlfriend and his father have been getting very close.

Donny: I let my father move back into the house, I go back to jail...

Whoa, Donny's gf married Donny's father. While Donny was in jail.

Donald, the father.

Donald: [cursing] Steve: Language! The language!

Audience: PUNK PUNK PUNK PUNK!

Donald: I'm gonna make the story short, sweet, and simple. Jerry: Good, cos it's a short show.

The gf came out. Audience: DADDY'S WHORE DADDY'S WHORE DADDY'S WHORE!

Jerry: I'm trying my best. I'm new to this. Her: You're talkin' to a whore. Get used to it. Audience: JERRY'S WHORE JERRY'S WHORE JERRY'S WHORE! Jerry: It's not like I haven't been there.

Her: Quak off.

[---story change---]

Shelley says her marriage is one big lie.

She's 18 and has been married for three years. Has a kid. She thinks her husband is probably cheating on her.

Shelley's friend Suzi looks lots like Brett Butler.

Suzi's sleeping with Shelley's husband.

Ah, it's Suzie.

Audience: [boooos as the husband comes out] Him: Booo.

Shelley: [to her husband] You are coming home to take care of your family if I have to stick a pole so far up your [beep; ass]--

Audience: WE LOVE BITCHES WE LOVE BITCHES WE LOVE BITCHES! Jerry: If you're a big enough one, we'll have you back on another show. Audience: JERRY'S BITCH JERRY'S BITCH JERRY'S BITCH! Jerry: That's not bad, a bitch and a whore in one show.

Audience: HOMEWRECKIN' WHORE HOMEWRECKIN' WHORE!

Jerry: [mocking the guests' accents] Ah tell yew wut, we'll be raht back!

[---story change---]

Margaret and her bf have been together for seven months. 'We had a really good relationship, at least I thought we did, until you guys called.'

SpringerCam... her bf is a crossdresser. A really, really good one. Well, he might not be so good on stage...

Margaret: Are you gay are you gay are you gay are you gay?!!!

::laughs:: The crossdresser ran up to Steve, and Steve tried to hide. The chick sitting next to him hugged him, sorta, tried to protect him;)

[---story change---]

Roxy is here to steal another woman's man.

The other woman, April, is quite angry. Yay, Steve, yay, other security guy.

The man doesn't want anything to do with Roxy.

Steve is trying to restrain Roxy... she's knocked him down and he's holding her foot. I think the audience is chanting 'don't hurt Steve'...

[---Q&A---]

Audience: [to Donny & Donald] THREESOME THREESOME THREESOME! One audience guy: FOURSOME WITH JERRY! Audience: FOURSOME WITH JERRY FOURSOME WITH JERRY FOURSOME WITH JERRY!

Audience: STEVE'S NOT GAY STEVE'S NOT GAY!

Audience guy: [to one of the chicks] If you wanna go out after the show... Her: Thanks. Audience: GO GIVE HER A KISS GO GIVE HER A KISS! Her: No, no!

[---Final Thought---]

Jerry: Three is *always* a crowd.

"Take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Security guys running insanely down the hall---]

The running of the bulls. Jerry kinda blinked at them for running around. Steve got caught by Roxy. One of them: Shouldn't we go back and help him?! Dave: I'm head of security now, get out of my way!

Thursday, May 31, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

The guy with the medals...

"Shocking Stories"

Audience: [cheers longer than usual] Jerry: Well, that's all the time we have for today...

Taralisa has a secret for her boyfriend...

Taralisa: I have a fetish. And this fetish is having sex with food.

Taralisa: [grabs someone's ankle] HAVE SEX WITH ME! Guy: You're disgusting, no I won't have sex with you.

She's in a store, pouring food all over her... the store manager is not happy.

Him: Who are you? Camera guy: We're with the Jerry Springer show, she has a fetish...

She's very very nervous. Stuttering and playing with her wig.

Jerry: Even on our show, Taralisa pushes the limits...

Taralisa: I couldn't tell you at home because I knew you'd freak out. Her bf: So you brought me on Jerry Springer and told me!

Audience: FREAK FREAK FREAK!

Jerry: In fairness, they paid a lot of money for these tickets.

Taralisa's got meat duct-taped all over her. She's running around the audience. Audience: SIT DOWN WHORE SIT DOWN WHORE SIT DOWN WHORE!

She grabbed hold of Todd and dragged him kinda onstage...

[---story change---]

Kania has deep feelings for her bf. But not love. Feelings.

Tyree, the bf.

Tyree is sleeping with Kania's friend Tiffany.

Kania's making Tyree beg on his knees, crawl to her, and bark like a dog. And making him pray to God for her to take him back.

Kania: Kick my feet, if you want me back that much. Audience: LICK HER FEET LICK HER FEET LICK HER FEET!
So he did.

After all that, she's not gonna take him back:p

Kania: I don't wanna be with neither of o' them, I'm outta here. [goes and sits backstage]

[---story change---]

Renee has been sleeping with her brother.

Audience: INCEST WHORE INCEST WHORE INCEST WHORE!

Jerry: You understand you're not supposed to sleep with a blood reletive... Renee: Well, Jerry, that's your opinion...

Renee's cousin: You two live up in my apartment for *nothing!* If this keeps going on, you can just pack up your stuff and move to Kentucky!

They brought the brother out... Audience: INCEST WHORE INCEST WHORE!

[---story change---]

Jerry: So you have no idea why you're here? Guy: No. Jerry: But you're thinkin'... this can't be good... this is the Springer show...

Marc, the guy, Emily, the girl. Emily was cheating on Marc, but has decided she loves him.

Emily was cheating with Marc's friend Brian. Marc is also sleeping with Brian.

Audience: THREE WHORES THREE WHORES THREE WHORES!

[---Q&A---]

The meat lady dropped a piece of meat. Dave picked it up and gave it back to her. Audience: DAVE DAVE DAVE DAVE!

Her: I know all about Sigmund Freud! Jerry: He was on our show Thursday...

She threw some meat at a guy in the audience, who threw it back to the stage... Dave caught it.

A piece got left in the audience. Jerry: [points at it] One of your sex toys is here...

Audience lady: [to the cousin] This is to the Dolly Parton Vanna White concerned cousin look-alike... are you looking for your big break? Or are you a transvestite?

Audience lady: This is to the freaky chick with the weird hair... if you throw any more meat out here, I'm gonna tenderize you.

[---Final Thought---]

"Take care of yourself... aand eachother."

[---Dave walking down hall with Taralisa---]

Dave was hitting on Taralisa...;)

Wednesday, May 30, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

Jerry: [to the chick who hands him his mic] Oh, hey, how's your voice?

"Beefy Love Stories"

Jerry: [our guests] are here to tell us their beefy love stories... what does that tell you about our show?

Ref at skating rink: What is all this? Lady: What does it look like?! It's *Springer!* Ref: Springer? [looks at camera and grins] Hey, Steve, how ya doin'? You lay the law down up there, I lay the law down down here.

This lady's husband is sleeping with her cousin; she caught them at a roller rink.

Audience: ROLLER WHORE ROLLER WHORE ROLLER WHORE!

Audience: WHORE ON SKATES WHORE ON SKATES WHORE ON SKATES!

Audience: SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT!

Her: You look like a whore! Cousin: I am *not* a whore! Audience: WHOOOOOOOORE!

The husband/boyfriend, who is very fat, took off his short and then mooned the audience:p

Audience: LOSER LOSER LOSER LOSER!

Her: I have shed my last tear over you! You are nothin' but white trash! When we get back, I am getting a lawyer and we are getting a divorce. Jerry: Not on our show... Audience: YYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! WE LOVE WHITE TRASH WE LOVE
WHITE TRASH WE LOVE WHITE TRASH!

Whoaaa, he broke a chair! The bf/husband.

Heh, they did a replay of him breaking the chair, in slow motion. Twas amazing.

Steve broke up a fight. Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE!

Her: Jerry, is there a lawyer up here? I wanna divorce!!

Whoa, the bf/husband's brother-in-law is in love with the wife...

Audience: SIT DOWN TUBBY! (tubby? something else?)

Aww, the wife has run backstage. She's crying. Jerry's being nice and quiet at her.

Written on the wall to an entrace to the stage; "Stage Right"

Jerry: I gotta wrap this up, is this a final answer or you wanna think about it?

[---story change---]

Robin's boyfriend's name is Chuckie. The audience twittered at it.

Her roommate is sleeping with Chuckie.

Renee, the roommate.

Robin: [to Renee] Sit down. You sit down. Audience: SIT DOWN WHORE SIT DOWN WHORE!

Audience: SIT DOWN OLD WHORE SIT DOWN OLD WHORE!

Audience: SENIOR CITIZEN WHORE! Jerry: Wait a minute, she's younger than me.

Er, Renee has rather Brunnen-G hair...

Robin: She's lazy! Audience guy: LAZY WHORE! Robin: That's right! Audience: LAZY WHORE LAZY WHORE LAZY WHORE!

Renee's top came down, she won't put it back up. Audience: PUT THAT AWAY PUT THAT AWAY PUT THAT AWAY! Steve: Hey-- [makes pulling-up-top motions]

Rene: You try to be everyone's mom! I *got* a mom! I got a mom! Jerry: People on our show have moms... Audience: WHO'S YOUR DADDY WHO'S YOUR DADDY WHO'S YOUR DADDY!

Eww, Chuckie says "you'inz"...

::laughs:: SpringerCam, Chuckie: [opens shower curtain] Hi, honey. Guy: Hi. [looks at the camera] Who's that? Chuckie:[climbs into shower] That's the SpringerCam. Guy: Oh. Hi, Steve. You wanna join us?

Jerry: If you just joined us... I'm sorry.

Guy: Tell you what, Jerry, if you think it's so bad, why don't you come lick some of it off? [whipped cream on Chuckie] Jerry: [retreats into audience] I'm on a diet.

Guy: Jerry, wouldn't you be gay if you had to live with that? [points at Renee] Chuckie: [points at Robin] Or her? Jerry: ... Bisexual, maybe...

[---Q&A---]

Audience: SIT DOWN BLIMP!

Audience lady: Can we go give Steve and Todd a hug? Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE! Steve: Todd Todd Todd!

[---Final Thought--]

"Till next time, take care of yourself, aaand eachother."

[---Steve and the two fat people in the hall--]

They're going to race...

Awww, Steve lost:(

Tuesday, May 29, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

::laughs at a sort of relay race to get Jerry's microphone to him::

"I'm Sleeping With My Sister"

Jerry: Please meet January...

January is sleeping with her sister. The audience is chanting 'Sick' and other things at her. She said, 'Don't knock it till you try it';p

Audience: INCEST WHORE INCEST WHORE!

January's boyfriend is not happy.

My brother doesn't believe that Steve and the other security guys are police; can anyone offer proof?

January ran backstage, crying. Cos her sister isn't interested.

She's screaming at Jerry...

Ha, January's sister's name is Sunday:p

Jerry had Dante, the boyfriend, leave.

January, to Sunday: You don't know what this means to me, dude!

January has a pierced tongue.

January: You could be my mom and I wouldn't care!! Audience: EEEEWWW!

January: [something about still doing it] Jerry: You can't do it if she's not there. January: She'll be there! Jerry: I dunno, maybe you can...

January: I could just suck on them like pacifiers. Jerry: [facefaults] Audience: [squeals] Jerry: [looks up at camera] We'll be back.

Jerry only ever truly lectures incest people...

Steve: Settle down! Settle down, settle down, *now!* Now!

Dante wants January back. Audience: JUST SAY NO JUST SAY NO JUST SAY NO!

Now he doesn't want her back.

January: You were just a game anyway! Dante: A nice game you fumbled.

Jerry: Is everybody wrong? Your boyfriend says it's sick, the whole world thinks it's wrong... are you the only one who's right? Audience: SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK!

Audience: GET ANOTHER JOB GET ANOTHER JOB!
What happened to 'we love whores'?

Audience: YOU'RE A WHORE YOU'RE A WHORE!

[---story change---]

Bleh, this guy's name is Steve. Fake Steve, fake Steve fake Steve...

Jerry: Why wouldn't you just say 'tell me what your secret is, we're not going on television, tell me now'?

fake Steve's girlfriend Misty is a whore.

Jerry: [to Misty] Why are you angry with him? You ought to be more apologetic, than angry.

Audience: CHEAP WHORE CHEAP WHORE CHEAP WHORE!

fake Steve is a telemarketer, from what Misty's saying. I think.

Audience: [SOMETHING] WITH JERRY! Jerry: I can't, I'm going out with a telemarketer.

Misty pulled down her top. Audience: SHOW JERRY AGAIN SHOW JERRY AGAIN SHOW JERRY AGAIN! Misty: [shows Jerry again, then starts chasing him] Jerry: We'll be back! [retreats into the audience and backstage] Steve: [guides Misty through a door to send her after Jerry]
Steve as a traitor?

[---story change---]

Jessica, who is sleeping with her best friend's man, is wearing a pink tube top, pink skirt, green boots, and lots of glitter. Jerry: By the way, like the outfit.

I was listening to Jessica and wondering if she's a transvestite. Then. Jerry: Have you always been a woman? Jessica: Yees. [a bit later] I'm a transexual, I've been a woman for eight years. Jerry: See, I can spot these things. I would have been thoroughly embarrassed if the answer had been 'Yes, what are you talking about?' Jessica: Don't you like the way I look, Jerry? Jerry: It's... unbelievable. I know Steve likes it. Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE!

Alexis, the best friend, is also a transvestite.

Alexis: [to the boyfriend] I have to work! You don't even have a job! Audience: GET A JOB GET A JOB GET A JOB! Alexis: [turns to the audience] Thank you!

[---Q&A---]

Audience chick: Green and pink *do not go!*

Audience chick getting a hug from Dante...

Audience chick: [to a fat whore in purple; Misty] Hey, Barney--got milk? Audience: WE LOVE MILK WE LOVE MILK WE LOVE MILK!

Audience chick: I don't need to sell my A-S-S to get it [money]. Jerry: And you notice she can spell it! See, we don't--we have a high-brow show...

Audience guy: Are you or have you ever been related to the elephant man? Jessica: Is your mother? Audience: ELEPHANT WHORE ELEPHANT WHORE!

Audience chick: Can I rub Steve's [beep; dick? cock?] Steve: [stands up, unbuttons his jeans, but chickens out when she comes onstage] Her: [hugs him, sticking her hand between his legs; walks away] Steve: [falls down] Her: [walks back, kneels in front of him] Steve: [laughs muchly, tries to pull her shirt up]
She ended up giving him something--her phonenumber?--and going back into the audience. She told Jerry it was good and she was nervous and told Steve to call her;)

[---Final Thought---]

Jerry: If you slept with your sister, wouldn't you rather the world not know it?

Heh, he just said that counseling would be better than going on his show;)

[---some other security guy walking down a hall with Misty---]

She says she wouldn't give him a discount, but she would give Steve one.

Sunday, May 27, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY...

Steeeve...

Hmm, just one chair...

"Pregnant Sex Scandals"

Jerry: Part of the excitement about being pregnant is--how would I know that?

Jerry: ...reveal their pregnant sex scandals! Audience: [cheers] Jerry: I knew that would make you happy.

Lady on SpringerCam: Oh my god, Steve, you better be on that stage!

Other lady: You mean I'm naked on Jerry Springer Show?!

First lady: I am pregnant with *our child!* Guy: Mary, we weren't doin' nothing!!

Guy: What's wrong with you?! Mary: I JUST CAUGHT YOU SLEEPING WITH MY COUSIN!!!

Mary: What do you think they were doin', huh? Talking about Christmas presents, that's what they were doing. Audience guy: Tis the season!

Audience: SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT! Jerry: [grins at them] Thank you very much.

Whoa, an audience chick was screaming at the boyfriend, so Jerry went over and held out his mic and she's yelling at the bf about morals...

Jerry: Why did you sleep with her cousin? Bf: We were all living in the same house, it was too easy, Jerry.

Ha, the cousin turns out to be married.

::blinks:: She's married to the bf's twin brother.

They're dressed the same. Jerry: You're twin brothers... you also shop in the same place.

Her: I've slept with Bill. Her husband: How?! How?!
Um, *how?*

One of them: You better come with us on the flight, Steve, cos I'm gonna kick his ass! Audience: STEEEVE! STEVE STEVE STEVE!

Jerry: You decide to cheat on him, but you sleep with his twin brother? What, did you think he was better looking?

One of the women: I did not say 'Elizabeth! Go sleep with Bill right now!'

Jerry: Mary is six months pregnant with Bill's baby... Bill is sleeping with Mary's cousin Elizabeth... who is married to Bill's twin brother! This sounds like the Jerry Springer Show!

Mary: You're in a relationship with me, not Elizabeth! Bill: I am in a relationship with your *mouth!* Jerry: You may be in a relationship with her mouth, but that's not how she got pregnant. Audience: JERRY JERRY JERRY!

Bill: [It's not going to stop there?], you got sisters, you know.

An audience woman in a suit...

[---story change---]

Katie is four months pregnant with her boyfriend, and is cheating on him with another woman.

Jerry: Well, at least we know who's baby it is.

Jerry: You don't know why you're here? Dennis: No. Jerry: How was the plane ride? Dennis: Fine. Scary. Jerry: Scary? Dennis: Yeah.

Dennis sounds very scripted.

Katie's gf has a bf... he says, 'The more the merrier!'

Jerry: You've been watching backstage? Him: Yeah! Jerry: What do you think? Him: I'm all for it! Audience: THREESOME THREESOME THREESOME!

"Are you a prostitute? And wanna come on our show and tell your story? Then call 1-800-96-JERRY..."

[---Q&A---]

Audience chick going to rub Steve's head... and hug him. Steve said, 'Awww.'

Audience: EASY WHORE EASY WHORE EASY WHORE! Jerry: Are there difficult ones?

Audience lady: You know what? You've apparently never learned how to keep it in your pants!

[---Final Thought---]

"Take care of yourself... and eachother."

[---Steve walking down hall w/ the "more the merrier guy"---]

Steve: You ever been with two girls? Him: Yeah! Steve: Was it good? Him: Yeah! Steve: That never happens to me! Him: You gotta find the right girls. Steve: There must not be any in Chicago.