Friday, May 25, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

Yay, Steve.

"Forbidden Affairs"

This chick is sleeping with her own sister.

Audience: LESBIAN WHORE LESBIAN WHORE LESBIAN WHORE! Her: None o' you all hafta look at me!

Jerry: You're a lesbian, you have the crowd with you.

Jerry: You don't have to have sex with your *sister,* have sex with someone else! We'll get you someone else! Audience: INCEST WITH JERRY INCEST WITH INCEST WITH JERRY!

Her: [to her gf] My sister *completes* me! Jerry: Let's see the completion, bring her out!

Audience: INCEST WHORE INCEST WHORE INCEST WHORE!

Jerry: [to the audience] Okay, is everyone okay? [retreats into the audience]

Audience: FOURSOME WITH JERRY FOURSOME WITH JERRY! Jerry: They already got... they already got four. Audience: FIVESOME WITH JERRY FIVESOME WITH JERRY!

The sisters started their affair at a fetish club...

Gf: She's your *own blood!* First sister: Do I look like a care?

Gf: It's immoral! First sister: It's no more immoral than us being lesbians. Jerry: [disagrees, can't remember his words]

The sisters were making out, so the gf went backstage. Jerry's talking to her... got her to come back to the stage.

[---story change---]

Jerry: Meet Ken. Ken says women just can't resist his animal magnetism. [long pause] Where are you magnets? Ken: Right here. [Audience laughs, Jerry kinda chuckles.]

::blinks:: Ken has 'white trash' tattooed on his big beer belly. Audience: WHITE TRASH WHITE TRASH WE LOVE WHITE TRASH WE LOVE WHITE TRASH WHITE TRASH WHITE TRASH WHITE TRASH Jerry: It's a good thing you have that tattoo or I might not have known.

Jerry: [to one of Ken's gfs] Why were you open to bringing another woman into the house? Ken: Because I make her leeegs shake, Jerry! Audience: LET'S SEE LET'S SEE LET'S SEE!

Ken: [forcing his one gf down to the other one] Give her a kiss! Give her a kiss! Audience: GIVE HER A KISS GIVE HER A KISS GIVE HER A KISS!

Jerry: [to the gfs] Neither of you have any self-respect? Ken: They got plenty of self-respect, Jerry, but it's all pointed at me!

[---story change---]

Um, this woman says that if her husband doesn't leave his mistress, she's leaving him. If he does leave his mistress, she's leaving him. Um, so why's she on the show?

Jerry doesn't get it, either.

Audience: [to the mistress] PREGNANT WHORE PREGNANT WHORE PREGNANT WHORE! Steve: [to the pregnant whore] Calm down, calm down, you're pregnant. Have a seat. Jerry: Have a seat, you're pregnant.

Guy: Well, Jerry... a lot of hard thinkin'... Audience: [laughs] Jerry: That doesn't happen on our show...

Mistress: [to the girl] Yer ass is grass, when you get home!!

Husband: If I didn't wanna be with you, I wouldn't've married you. Wife: You wouldn't've slept with her in the first place! Husband: Yeah, well, I'm a dog. Ruff.

[---Q&A---]

One of the lesbian sisters went to sit on an audience guy because he called her fat...

The audience is chanting something that is getting beeped;p

[---Final Thought---]

"Till next time, take care of yourself, and eachother."

[---Steve walking down hall with lesbians sisters---]

He's boggling at them for sleeping together... telling them it's wrong.

And telling Dave and... Jimmy or whatever his name is, another security guy, not to sleep together... they grabbed him and suggested a threesome;)

Thursday, May 24, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

"Heartless Confessions"

Whoa, this guy croaks when he speaks.

Jerry: ...she says 'let's go on the Jerry Springer Show'... Guy: Right. Jerry: And you didn't sleep very well last night. Guy: Right.

SpringerCam, his girlfriend: ... I'm sleeping with your ex-wife.

Audience: LESBIAN WHORE LESBIAN WHORE LESBIAN WHORE!

The ex-wife walked out, looked at the audience, and pulled down her top, and said, 'Kiss my ass!' Jerry said, 'Well, we're movin' up...' The audience cheered at him and he said, 'Can't wait for the fifth segment...'

Ex-wife: You were livin' in yer darn car while she was pregnant! Jerry: You don't have a trailer?

Whoaa, the gf is sleeping with the ex-wife's husband...

Pregnant by the husband...

Audience: PREGNANT WHORE PREGNANT WHORE PREGNANT WHORE!

::boggles:: Ex-wife: You're ruining my marriage! Jerry: Well, you were ruining theirs... Ex-wife: It's not the same!! Gf: It *is* the same!

Gf & bf arguing about telling the kids. Jerry: We're gonna burn the tape of this show.

Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE!

Whoaaa, this guy almost got away from Steve. Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE STEVE!

[---story change---]

Ewww, this woman must weigh 800 pounds... she's sleeping with her daughter's fiancee.

Audience: MOM'S A WHORE MOM'S A WHORE!

Jerry: What kind of relationship do you have with your mother? She, she seems horrible, to be honest.

Audience: BIG FAT WHORE BIG FAT WHORE BIG FAT WHORE!

[The mother whore pulled her dress up and bounced around the stage.] Jerry: Oookay... I'm so excited, I, I don't know if I can finish the show...

::peers at the audience:: 'fat momma whore'?

Momma whore: It's good, it's good, it's good!!! You want some, you want some, you want some?! Audience: NOOOOOO!
Jerry: Why are you sleeping with her mother? bf: She's more! Jerry: What're you saying, she's more? She's prancing around here taking her clothes off! Bf: At home, she don't do that. Jerry: At home is where she *should* be changing!

The big fat whore chased Jerry offstage...

Camera spinning in front of the fan...

[---story change---]

Ugh, this guy says 'y'know'm'sayin' waaay too much...

His gf is sleeping with his sister:p

Her: I'm not one bit sorry about sleeping with your sister because you did it to yourself!
Um, what?

She says he peed in a cup and threw it in her face. Jerry's scolding him for doing it... him: She deserved it! She's done a lot of stuff to me too! Jerry: I don't care what she's done, you don't do *that.*

Her: Hey, Jerry! Jerry: Wut?

The sister is a dancer, and has huge fake breasts...

Audience: WE LOVE LESBIANS WE LOVE LESBIANS! JERRY LOVES LESBIANS JERRY LOVES LESBIANS! Jerry: It's only because I used to be one.

[---story change---]

Jerry: She hasn't smiled since you got married? Have you tried telling her a joke or something?

Jerry's sitting down...

SpringerCam, the guy's friend who is sleeping with the guy's wife: Once I walked onstage, you're gonna be hidin' behind Steve [beep; piss]ing in your pants!

Audience: SIT DOWN NERD SIT DOWN NERD SIT DOWN NERD!

The onstage people must never realize that Todd's telling the audience what to say, or poor Todd would probably get attacked;)

Ohh, Todd's got cards... he held one out at the audience...

Jerry was very forceful, very Montel, telling the guy to talk to his wife. Audience: GET ON YOUR KNEES GET ON YOUR KNEES!

Friend: I'd like to marry her! Soon as I do, he's out! And he can take his computer with'im!

[---Q&A---]

One of the guys was named Licoln. Audience: ABE LICOLN ABE LICOLN!

The big fat whore is chasing a guy around the audience, because he called her nasty...

Audience guy: I got $5 for you [big fat whore] to put your clothes on, and $100 for you [lesbian dancer sister] to take your clothes off. [So she and her gf went down to just off. Then she went and sat on Steve's lap, after the audience told her to do something to Jerry, but I didn't catch what.]

Audience chick went down to touch Steve's head, audience told him to take off her shirt, and she squeaked at him for it... why don't they ever let him take off their shirts?

Audience guy had the big fat whore hug his friend. Audience: GO HUG JERRY GO HUG JERRY! Jerry: We'll be back! We'll be back. [disappears backstage, quickly; a security guy sends the big fat whore backstage after him...]

[---Final Thought---]

Jerry: In case you're wondering, this is not how most people live.

Jerry: It never makes sense in the quest to find a lover to screw your family.

"Till next time, take care of yourself, and eachother."

[---Steve & the one with the computer walking down hall during credits--]

Steve: Computers're for nerds... just spend a little time on it, not too much.

Wednesday, May 23, 2001

May 25 is Towel Day.
JERRY JERRY JERRY...

Steeeeve!

This woman's mother is married to the woman's bf... Audience: MOTHA WHORE MOTHA WHORE MOTHA WHORE!

Jerry: He's 19? If you don't mind my asking, how old are you? Mother: 46. Audience: LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR!

Daughter: You know, my dog knows who he cares about. Audience: [barks insanely] Jerry: Let's bring out the dog! [The bf/husband comes out.] Audience: [barks lots more insanely]

Bf: [to the mother] I will spend the rest of my life with you. Daughter: That's only because she doesn't have much of it *left!*

[---story change---]

This guy called Shannon has been sleeping with his stepsister. He resembles John Corbett, he isn't allowed.

::laughs:: He said that they had to try it. Audience: TRY STEVE TRY STEVE TRY STEVE!

The stepsister is also named Shannon, 'But we call her Butch.' Audience: BUTCH BUTCH BUTCH BUTCH!

Shannon: It's not for that reason! She's a country girl, she's real muscular. Jerry: You say muscular, I'll step down here. [retreats high into the audience] [Butch comes out, audience chants 'BUTCH' more.]

Audience: STEPSISTER WHORE STEPSISTER WHORE! Butch: I'm sorry to say it, but you all don't know what a whore is!

Jerry: You're here because he wants to tell you something, and he'll tell you right after the break. We'll be back.

Shannon & Butch are arguing, Jerry sat down in a chair and looked amused. Jerry: [mocking their accent] Well I think Momma and daddy are just embarrassed.

Shannon: How in the hell do you think Momma an' them call me slut puppy, anyway?! Audience: SLUT PUPPY SLUT PUPPY SLUT PUPPY!!!

[---story change---]

This chick said 'he's done it before in the past'...

::blinks:: 3:23am--the cable went out.

Ah, good, it's back. Same minute.

SpringerCam, naked guy wrapped in a blanket, says he was getting his portrait painted:p He fell down, blanket fell, he got blurred.

::grins:: He's holding two painting, one in the front, one in the back, and running away outside... I want to see something like that.

Hmm, I could operate a SpringerCam... but I think I'd rather carry the onstage camera guys' cords.

::laughs at a promo:: Jerry: I'm so excited, I, I don't know if I can finish the show.

"Twisted Tales of Passion"

Jerry: One thing about guys... they will just *lie.*

Her: I lost my virginity to you! Him: You ain't the first one, are you??

Audience: NAKED RUNNING NAKED RUNNING NAKED RUNNING!

Jerry: Here's Jo. Audience: JO'S A HO! JO'S A HO!

Audience: PICASSO WHORE PICASSO WHORE PICASSO WHORE!

Audience: WHOOOORE! Him: You all'd be my whore if you wanted!

::peers at the audience:: 'not so whore'? I hate it when they chant things I can't understand...

[---Q&A---]

Guy: She wishes she had some of that [beep, I dunno] in her! Audience: SO DOES STEVE SO DOES STEVE!

Audience guy: You could make some good money making some films, home made films, I could be the director! Audience: YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK!
What hapened to 'we love porn'?

Audience chick came up to rub Steve's head, Steve tried to take her shirt off...;)

[---Final Thought--]

"Till next time, take care of yourself... and eachother."

[---Steve & a guest walking down hallway--]

Guy: What's better than gettin' laid? Steve: I kinda like going to baseball games...

Tuesday, May 22, 2001

JERRY JERRY JERRY...

The weird guy with all the medals...

"Strange Love Affairs"

Audience: WE LOVE THREESOMES! WE LOVE THREESOMES!

Lady: We've been up and down... Jerry: He's been up and down with her, too, sounds like. Audience: JERRY JERRY JERRY!

Two camera guys onstage...

Audience: DON'T HURT JERRY DON'T HURT JERRY DON'T HURT JERRY! Jerry: I've been doing this show for ten years, I've had the Klan on, I've had Nazis on, nobody's ever hit me, *you* hit me. Lady: I'm sorry, did I hurt you? Jerry: No, it's okay, no, I'm not pregnant, so I'm okay.

::BOL:: A guy, the husband and bf, started to walk onstage, then ran away backstage, following closely by a camera guy. He said, 'We're not doin' this!!!'

He ran to the bathrooms... now the ladies are in there, the guy, a couple camera guys, Jerry, and some other crew...

And Dave...

Jerry: Welcome back, we are here, of all places, in the men's room of the studios...

Jerry: [coaxing the man out of the stall] We're gonna go back onstage, this is no place to do the show.

Whoa, lots of things written on a wall... backstage.

Jerry: Do you love her? Guy: I don't love nobody, but they both mine!

Jerry: If she lives, are you leaving? Guy: She's not leavin'! Jerry: *If* she does-- Guy: She isn't! Jerry: *If*-- [and on and on, for a while, Jerry boggling at the fact that the guy won't listen/understand] Jerry: [waves at the sound guy(?) and points at the onstage guy] No more beer! Audience: NO MORE BEER! NO MORE BEER! NO MORE BEER! [The guy keeps on explaining how his two women won't leave.] Jerry: Here, get up, help me understand this. [gets the guy to stand up, takes his seat, listens intently while the guy continues to explain; then says they'll be back, and signals for break]

---[story change]---

Guy: Rusty's a wannabe Elvis impersonating [beep; dyke].

::BOL:: Jerry did his Elvis impersonation. It was an impersonation of a dead person:> Audience: JERRY JERRY JERRY!

Whoa, SpringerCam. Invaded the Elvis impersonater's club. The people in the club chanted 'JERRY' and 'ELVIS WHORE!'

Club security finally made him leave...

::BOL:: The guy is dancing to the Jerry Show theme... Jerry: Nice dance.

This guy's gf has very caked makeup, makes her wrinkles look like cracks in a street.

Audience: ELVIS WHORE ELVIS WHORE!

Rusty stumbles offstage. Jerry: [stage-whispers into mic] Elvis has left the building.

Dave's holding Rusty off. Audience: DAVE DAVE DAVE DAVE!

---[change story]---

This guy is a bodyguard for a sex escort...

Guy: I'm 21, I'm mentally not ready for a family, but I got four-- Jerry: You're on this show, you're mentally not ready.

Audience: WE LOVE WHORES WE LOVE WHORES WE LOVE WHORES!

A bald audience guy. Jerry: STEVE STEVE STEVE! Audience: STEVE STEVE STEVE!

An audience lesbian told a stage chick that she'd treat her better than her husband does. Audience: WE LOVE LESBIANS WE LOVE LESBIANS! GO GIVE HER A KISS! GO GIVE HER A KISS! [So they did.] Audience: LESBIANS ROCK! LESBIANS ROCK! Jerry: How can you not love this show?

"Till next time, take care of yourself, and eachother."

Someone on the credits named Chevette...

Monday, May 21, 2001

Yay, a use for the notes I make during Springer! Notes of the show, that is, not just any ol' note.

I should update Tuesday-Thursday, between 4 & 4:30am, and Saturday between 3:20 & 4am.